第3講精雕細琢,學會描寫細節(jié)高考總復習優(yōu)化設計GAOKAOZONGFUXIYOUHUASHEJI2025方式1寫動作——活情節(jié)在續(xù)寫中,利用恰當?shù)膭釉~進行符合特定情境的動作描寫,真實準確地描述動作過程,以“動”傳神,適當利用契合人物性格特點的心理描寫和對話描寫,使續(xù)寫部分更為生動。動作描寫應把握三個原則:(1)要準確:表現(xiàn)一個動作可以利用許多動詞,但應恰當利用最準確的動詞,刻畫對應的動作。(2)有過程:展示出人物面部、肢體、語言等個性的動作。(3)用修飾:在描寫動作時,可利用各種狀語,說明時間、地點、原因、伴隨等情況,構建動作畫面感。[典例]FinallyJohnstartedhislongwalk.Havingtrekkedfortwohours,hecametothedeepforest.Besidestherustling(沙沙聲)oftrees,thewoodwasinadeathlysilence.Hequickened

upandheld

ontothebattightly.Abruptly,aterriblehowl,whichsoundedlikeawolf,brokethesilenceandfrightenedhim.Hejumped

to

his

feetandran

as

fast

as

his

legs

could

carry

him.Hedidn’tstoprunninguntilhesawaflashoflightatadistance,movingquicklytowardshim.

Atthattime,acarwasdrawingcloser.Johnwasdashing

towardthecarandwaving.ThedriverFranknoticedhimandrolled

downthewindow,asking

cautiouslywhyhewasaloneatnight.Hearingthattherewereprobablywolvesintheforest,Frankofferedtogivehimalift.Johnjumpedinthecarswiftly.ThankstoFrank’shelp,Johnmanagedtoreachthedestinationat5:30am.Withthesunrisingfromthehorizon,John’sfaceglowed(洋溢著)withgratitude.Feelingenergetic,hecouldn’t

wait

to

get

started.

點評

全文內(nèi)容和結構符合原文的邏輯發(fā)展。其中動作描寫貫穿全文,推動著情節(jié)的發(fā)展。第一段續(xù)寫的內(nèi)容緊扣首句中的關鍵詞long

walk,高級詞匯與詞塊trekked,quickened

up,held

onto,jumped

to

his

feet,ran

as

fast

as

his

legs

could

carry

him等構成動作鏈,增強了敘述的畫面感。第二段首句出現(xiàn)car,利用汽車為切入點,John

was

dashing

toward

the

car銜接極為流暢自然。之后司機的行為noticed,rolled

down,asking

cautiously等動詞(短語)用詞均很貼切。[即時訓練1]用動作描寫完成語段1.①

,they②

,feelingthepreciouspeacefromwithin.

他們站在空曠的路邊,仰望天空,發(fā)自內(nèi)心地感受著珍貴的寧靜。2.①

,Lucy②

,“Ivolunteer.”

被老師的話鼓舞,露西舉起了手,小聲說,“我來?！盨tanding

beside

the

empty

roadlooked

up

into

the

skyEncouraged

by

the

teacher’s

wordsraised

her

hand,whispering3.While①

fromhighabove,Iwasamazed②

hadcrushedthefenceand③

fortheinvitinggarlicbread.

當我從高處俯瞰那只熊時,我驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)這個固執(zhí)的家伙壓碎了柵欄,朝我們的營地走去,準備吃誘人的蒜蓉面包。4.Hebegan①

beforeHarryandWormtail,eyes②

allthewhile.Afteraminuteorso,he③

Harryagain,acruelsmiletwistinghissnakelikeface.

他開始在哈利和蟲尾巴面前走來走去,眼睛始終掃視著墓地。過了大約一分鐘,他再次低頭看著哈利,蛇一般的臉上扭曲著一絲殘酷的微笑。overlooking

the

bearto

spot

this

stubborn

guyheaded

towards

our

campto

pace

up

and

downsweeping

the

graveyardlooked

down

at5.Withhisarms①

,Beibei②

,③

whetherhewasrightorwrong.

貝貝坐在泳池邊,雙臂低垂,思考自己是對還是錯。droppingsat

beside

the

poolwondering方式2寫情緒——表心情情緒描寫是情感線中必不可少的細節(jié)描寫之一。合理的情感描寫與刻畫可以讓心情(高興、悲傷、猶豫、驚恐、好奇、憤怒等)表達更加有畫面感。

這可以凸顯人物的性格、人際關系的特征以及烘托故事高潮,進而突出語篇主題等。考生可以從原材料中體會作者相應的情緒,借助情緒的延續(xù),以此為銜接進行續(xù)寫。情緒層次的描寫:1.直接利用恰當?shù)谋砬楦械男稳菰~、副詞或名詞、介詞短語等表達人物的喜怒哀樂情緒。比如,用happy,delighted,pleased,joyful,enjoyable,surprised,shocked,amazed,astonished,toone’ssurprise,inrelief,inpanic等描述人物的情緒。2.利用恰當?shù)膭幼骱蜕駪B(tài)描寫反映人物的情緒。Withnopathtofollow,Janejustwalked

onforquitealongtime.Aftershehadclimbedtoahighplace,sheturned

around,hopingtoseethelake.(動作描寫,說明Jane滿懷期望)To

her

surprise,(利用介詞短語體現(xiàn)Jane的吃驚)shesaw

nothing

but

forest

and,far

beyond,a

snow-capped

mountain

top.(寓情于景,體現(xiàn)Jane的失落)Shesuddenlyrealizedthatshewaslost.3.利用環(huán)境描寫,融情于景,烘托人物的情感。Dellafinishedhercryinganddriedherface.Shestoodbythewindowandlookedoutunhappilyatagraycatwalkingalongagrayfenceinagraybackyard.[小說《麥琪的禮物》中3次使用形容詞gray,體現(xiàn)了Della的難受和不開心。][典例]Dadlookedquicklyandsmiled,“Yes,itisnotthere!”“Butwhowouldliketobuythatsillydress?”Momwasgreatlysurprised.Fathersaidcasually,“Forgetit.Maybesomeonerichwouldbuyitforhiswife.”Hearingthewords,Motherforcedasmileandmurmured,“Yes,shewillbemovedtotears.”Myfatherrealizedshefeltdisappointed.However,asmileappearedonhisface.Itwasthemysterioussmilethatimmediatelyclicked(使豁然開朗)me.Iknewuponimaginingthescenethatmovesmymomdeeplywhenreceivingthegift,hefeltdelighted.

I’llneverforgetthatmorningofMother’sbirthdaywhenFatherhandedherabox.Fatherexclaimed,“Happybirthday!”eyeinghiswifeexpectantly(期待地).AsMotheropenedthebox,thetwinklingstarsonthedresstouchingherheartdeeply.Shescreamed.Turningaround,shecomplained,“Youshouldn’twastemoney.”However,thebeautifulredsatindressmeltedherheart,sosoonthecomplaintdisappeared.Herpalmssweating,throattighteningandtearsstreamingdownherface,shewastouchedbeyondwords.Amongallthenicemomentsinherlife,neverwouldsheforgetthismovingone.

點評

(文中鋪灰底部分)文章的畫面感強,讓人讀了能夠在腦海中呈現(xiàn)出感人的畫面,與閱讀材料所傳遞的主題相符合。另外,內(nèi)容環(huán)環(huán)相扣,段落間銜接緊密而自然,條理清楚,語言流暢,可讀性、邏輯性強。第一段中的設計主要是發(fā)生在車上,母親提出疑問→父親漫不經(jīng)心地回答→父親想象妻子收到禮物的情景。在第二段中,父親送母親禮物→母親情感的變化(抱怨→感動)。另外,文章句式豐富,能夠巧妙運用獨立主格結構、倒裝句、分詞作狀語及狀語從句等。用詞多樣化、生動,如:melt,exclaim,click等,這使文章增色不少。同時,細節(jié)描寫真實,故事情節(jié)合理,扣人心弦。[即時訓練2]用情緒描寫完成語段1.He①

andhithischest,②

aggressively.

他勃然大怒,捶打著胸口,咄咄逼人地瞪著我們。2.Asthelittleprincedroppedofftosleep,I①

andsetoutwalkingoncemore.I②

.ItseemedtomethatIwascarryingaveryfragiletreasure.Itseemedtome,even,thattherewasnothing③

onallEarth.

小王子睡著了,我就把他抱在懷里,又重新上路了。我深受感動,也很激動。我覺得我抱著一個脆弱的寶貝。在我看來,地球上再沒有比這更脆弱的東西了。flew

into

a

rageglaring

at

ustook

him

in

my

armsfelt

deeply

moved

and

excitedmore

fragile3.Bettycontinued,“Thevolunteerdoctorsarecomingtomorrowwithvaccines.Canyouhelp?”“I’dloveto,”Adarepliedatonce,①

.Theylookedateachothermerrily②

.

貝蒂繼續(xù)說:“志愿醫(yī)生明天就會帶著疫苗來。你能幫忙嗎?”“我很樂意去做?！卑_立刻回答道,高興地跳了起來。她們愉快地看著對方,微笑照亮了房間。jumping

with

great

joywith

their

smiles

lighting

up

the

room4.Atthisverymoment,Sirincouldnolongerresistheranger.“Youarealwaysbusy!”she①

,tearsstreamingdownandeyes②

.“Ihateyou!”③

,grabbedthepaintingonthetableandtoreitinhalf.④

,hermomanddadcouldn’tsayaword.

就在這時,西琳再也無法抑制她的憤怒了?！澳銈兛偸呛苊?”她像火山一樣爆發(fā),眼淚流下來,眼睛閃爍著憤怒。“我恨你們”,她咆哮著,抓起桌子上的畫,把它撕成兩半。震驚和內(nèi)疚,她父母一句話也沒說。erupted

like

a

volcanoshining

with

irritationShe

roaredShocked

and

guilty方式3寫心理——讀內(nèi)心心理描寫可以揭示人物的內(nèi)心世界,表達人物的性格、特點、感情和思想等。心理描寫可以運用直接描寫和間接描寫兩種方法:1.直接描寫:直接寫主人公的想法、感受、打算等,在具體寫作時,可用“Ifelt”“shethought”“hewould”等句式。2.間接描寫:人物的性格不同,情緒不同,其所表現(xiàn)出的動作和神態(tài)也就不同,因此可以利用人物的動作和神態(tài)體現(xiàn)其心理,也可以利用語言描寫表現(xiàn)人物心理。[典例]“Hi!Beforeeighto’clock,youcanwaitinthecafeteriaorhereifyouwant,”cameafamiliarvoice.Iturnedaroundandsawthatitwastheteacherwhoreceivedusontheorientation.Shelookedatmegently,asiftherewerestarsinhereyes.Iforgotthelossinaninstant.Sheheldmyhandandtoldmethatwecouldplaywiththetoysontheshelvesintheclassroom.Theteacherwouldteachusalotofinterestingknowledgeinclassandwecouldplaygamestogetherafterclass.Iwashappytobewithher,soIspentmyfirstdayatschoolhappily.

Asthedaywenton,IrealizedIhadnoreasontocry.Whenschoolwasover,mysisterpickedmeup.Whenwegotinthecar,mymotheraskedmehowmydayhadbeen.Itoldmymother,“Mom,IthinkIhavetowork.”Momlaughed,“ThenIthinkyoushouldstopresistinggoingtoschool.”Ilaughedtoo.Ithinktheschoollifeinthefutureshouldbefulloffunandsweet,togetherwithmyfavoriteteachersandfriends.

點評

(文中鋪灰底部分)文中通過一系列動作和情緒描述,發(fā)展了情節(jié)和情感兩條線,敘述了一個剛開始上學的小女孩的故事。在教室里,她遇見了自己喜歡的老師,開心地度過了小學的第一天,最后出現(xiàn)了心理上的變化:由對學校的抵觸到高興地接受。文章最后揭示了孩子的心理,表明了對學校的看法,使人物性格、情緒變化躍然紙上;使故事情節(jié)線和情感線交織發(fā)展,故事高潮迭起。[即時訓練3]用心理描寫完成句子或語段1.Seeingthetent,I

,“Iwanttoexperiencetheoutsideworld”.

看到帳篷,我感覺它在嘆氣,并且說:“我想體驗一下外面的世界”。2.AsIstartedmycar,I

.當我發(fā)動汽車時,我意識到我的朋友把他的卡車鑰匙留在了庭院里。3.ThoughJesse’sbadeyesightwasatoughproblem,he

.Thetallandthinboyfelldownhalfwaymanytimesbecausetheroadwasroughandhecouldn’tseeitclearly.

雖然杰西的視力不好是一個棘手的問題,但作為一個勇敢的人,他仍然決心去嘗試一下,因為路很崎嶇,他看不清楚,這個又高又瘦的男孩多次半路摔倒。felt

as

if

it

had

been

sighing

and

sayingrealized

that

my

friend

had

left

his

truck

keys

in

courtwas

still

determined

to

give

it

a

try

as

a

brave

person4.Inspiredbythem,he①

.Finally,hereachedthetopwiththeguidanceofhisparents.Althoughexhaustedandbreathless,he②

andyelledwithexcitement,“Imadeit!”

受到他們的啟發(fā),他咬緊牙關,堅持要爬上去。最后,他在父母的指導下達到了頂峰。雖然筋疲力盡,喘不過氣來,但他充滿了喜悅,興奮地喊道:“我做到了!”set

his

teeth

and

insisted

on

climbing

upwas

full

of

joy方式4寫環(huán)境/場景——造氛圍環(huán)境描寫要把握四個原則:①選擇與主題和情節(jié)設置一致的環(huán)境要素,以營造故事發(fā)生的特定環(huán)境。②所選的景物一定要運用所學的詞匯和句法進行細致深入的描寫。③添加附加信息,如天氣變化和周邊的景物等,如昏暗的路燈、搖曳的樹影等。④環(huán)境細節(jié)描寫一定要與動作和心理活動等相結合,才能更好地完成續(xù)寫任務。[典例]閱讀下面材料,根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開頭語續(xù)寫兩段,使之構成一篇完整短文。OnSunday,Nicholas,ateenager,wentskiingwithhisfatheratSugarloafMountaininMaine.TheyhadawonderfuldayanddecidedtodrivehometoMassachusettsafterafinalrun.Theytookachairlift(升降椅)tothetopofthemountain,wheretheysplituptogodownindifferenttrails.Whenthefatherfinishedhisrun,heheadedtotheparkinglottowaitforhisson.However,Nicholasnevershowedup.ItturnedoutthatafiercesnowstormhadsweptintotheareaasNicholaswasonhiswaydown.Unabletoseefar,heaccidentallyturnedoffthepathandventured(冒險)downthewestsideofthemountain.Beforeheknewit,Nicholaswaslostandallalone.Hiswaybacktotheskitrailswasblocked.Whatwasworse,hedidn’thaveanyfoodorwaterwithhim,letalonehiscellphoneorothersupplies.Thesunbegantosinkandhewasgettingcolderbytheminute.Nicholashadnoideawherehewas.Hetriednottopanic.HethoughtaboutBearGrylls’survivalshowMan

vs.WildthatheusedtowatchonTV.Intheshow,Gryllsisabandonedinawildareaandhastohelphimselfout.Itwastimetoputthetipshehadlearnedtouse.Hedecidedtostopmovingaround.Heneededtheenergy,andthewindsweren’tasstronginthevalleywherehestoodastheywereuponthemountain.Plus,therewasabetterchanceofsomeonefindinghimifhestayedput.Thefirstthinghedidwastoseekshelterfromthefreezingwindandsnow.Usinghisskis,Nicholasbuiltasnowcave.Hegatheredahugemassofsnowanddugoutaholeinthemiddle.Thenhepiledbranchesontopofhimself,likeablanket,tostayaswarmashecould.Wheneveningcame,Nicholaswasreallyhungry.Heatesomesnowanddranksomewaterfromnearbystreamsothathewouldn’tdehydrate(脫水).Thenhereturnedtohiscaveandslept.注意:續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應為150左右。WhenNicholasdidn’tshowup,hisfatherrealizedtheremustbesomethingwrong.

Thenextday,Nicholasheardthesoundofasnowmobile.

點評Nicholas和爸爸一起滑雪,暴風雪突然來臨,Nicholas因偏離滑雪道而迷路了,之后他用所學的知識鎮(zhèn)定地應對寒冷與饑餓,等待救援。第一段首句譯文:當Nicholas沒有出現(xiàn)的時候,他的爸爸意識到一定是出了什么事。第二段首句譯文:第二天,Nicholas聽到了雪地摩托車的聲音?；诘谝欢蔚目蚣?考生可以補充以下細節(jié):周圍的環(huán)境描寫(太陽下山了,氣溫下降,凸顯救援的緊迫性)→爸爸的動作描寫(冷靜下來打電話報警)→警察的動作描寫(分析地形后騎雪地摩托車尋找)→周圍的環(huán)境描寫(天完全黑了,又下起了大雪,風呼號著,凸顯救援的困難以及

Nicholas的危險處境)→Nicholas的心理活動描寫(雖然害怕,但堅信會活下來)?；诘诙蔚目蚣?考生可以補充以下細節(jié):Nicholas的動作與語言描寫(聽到雪地摩托車的聲音,興奮地大喊救命)→周圍的環(huán)境描寫(猛烈的風淹沒了他的聲音)→爸爸的動作描寫(找到兒子后,緊緊擁抱兒子哭泣)→感悟。[即時訓練4]用環(huán)境/場景描寫完成續(xù)寫When

Nicholas

didn’t

show

up,his

father

realized

there

must

be

something

wrong.When①

(太陽下山),②

(氣溫下降).Hesooncalmeddownandturnedtothepoliceforhelp.Afteranalyzingthemapof③

(又大又高的山),theyrodesnowmobilesimmediatelytothepossibleplacewhereNicholaswastrapped.④

(天完全黑了,又下起了大雪)again.Allaroundwas⑤

(呼號著的風).FrightenedasNicholaswas,hebelievedhewouldsurvivefrom⑥

(寒冷的風雪).

the

sun

was

settingthe

temperature

was

becoming

lowerthe

vast

and

high

mountainIt

was

completely

dark

and

the

snow

fellthe

howling

windthe

freezing

wind

and

snowThe

next

day,Nicholas

heard

the

sound

of

a

snowmobile.Excited,heshoutedbackdesperately“Help!Help!”But⑦

(風吹得很猛烈)thathisvoicewasswallowed.Fortunately,theyfoundhim.Hisfatherhuggedhimtightlyandcried.⑧

(他們腳下的凍雪融化了)intheirwarmheart.ForNicholas,whatathrillingbutmemorableexperience!

the

wind

was

blowing

so

fiercelyThe

frozen

snow

under

their

feet

melted方式5寫人物——塑形象人物描寫主要包括外貌、品格、性格和言行等方面。進行外貌描寫時,可寫對一個人的總體印象,也可以抓住人物重要的外貌特征或性格、品格等特點進行描述。如對媽媽性格的描寫,可采用loving,sweet,absent-minded和forgetful等形容詞,使一個可愛又健忘的媽媽的形象躍然紙上。也可以具體描述人物的五官、著裝,甚至可以配上動作描寫。也可寫你對人物印象最深的一兩點,再加上一兩句人物評價。[典例]Aliceis20yearsold.Sheisalittleoverweight.Butsheistallandfair-skinned,soshelookshealthy.Herhairisjet-blackedandstraight.Shehasaverypleasantsmileandshealwayshasatwinkleinhereyes.Whenshesmiles,Alice’sspecialdimples(酒窩)willappear.Whenworking,shealwaysputsonherglasses.Shealwaysdressesveryelegantlyandneatly.Becauseofherkindness,wealllikeherverymuch.點評(文中鋪灰底部分)全文內(nèi)容對

Alice的描寫包括總體印象(a

little

overweight)、外貌(tall

and

fair-skinned,has

a

twinkle

in

her

eyes,special

dimples)、品格(kindness)、性格(has

a

very

pleasant

smile)等方面都進行了描述。集中展現(xiàn)了Alice一個完美的形象,仿佛Alice就站在讀者的面前。[即時訓練5]用人物描寫完成句子1.Heisavery

person.

他是一個很有決心的、意志堅強的人。2.

,heexplainedthatclimbingbroughthimnotonlyjoybutalsoasenseofsatisfaction.

他那曬黑的臉上帶著驕傲的微笑,他解釋說,登山不僅給他帶來了快樂,還帶來了一種滿足感。3.Shehurriedupthesteps,

.

她急忙走上臺階,看起來神情緊張,臉色蒼白。determined

and

strong-willedWith

a

proud

smile

on

his

tanned

facelooking

nervous

and

pale課堂應用(2023新課標Ⅰ卷)WhenIwasinmiddleschool,mysocialstudiesteacheraskedmetoenterawritingcontest,Isaidnowithoutthinking.Ididnotlovewriting.MyfamilycamefromBrazil,soEnglishwasonlymysecondlanguage.WritingwassodifficultandpainfulformethatmyteacherhadallowedmetopresentmypaperonthesinkingoftheTitanicbyactingoutaplay,whereIplayedalltheparts.Noonelaughedharderthanhedid.So,whydidhesuddenlyforcemetodosomethingatwhichIwassuretofail?Hisreply:“BecauseIloveyourstories.Ifyou’rewillingtoapplyyourself,Ithinkyouhaveagoodshotatthis.”Encouragedbyhiswords,Iagreedtogiveitatry.IchosePaulRevere’shorseasmysubject.PaulReverewasasilversmith(銀匠)inBostonwhorodeahorseatnightonApril18,1775toLexingtontowarnpeoplethatBritishsoldierswerecoming.Mystorywouldcomestraightfromthehorse’smouth.Notabrilliantidea,butfunny,andunlikelytobeanyoneelse’schoice.Whatdidthehorsethink,ashespedthroughthenight?Didhegettired?Havedoubts?Didhewanttoquit?Isympathizedimmediately.Igottired.Ihaddoubts.Iwantedtoquit.But,likeRevere’shorse,Ikeptgoing.Iworkedhard.Icheckedmyspelling.Iaskedmyoldersistertocorrectmygrammar.Icheckedoutahalf-dozenbooksonPaulReverefromthelibrary.Ievenreadafewofthem.WhenIhandedintheessaytomyteacher,hereadit,laughedoutloudandsaid,“Great.Now,writeitagain.”Iwroteitagain,andagainandagain.WhenIfinallyfinishedit,thethoughtofwinninghadgivenwaytotheenjoymentofwriting.IfIdidn’twin.Iwouldn’tcare.注意:1.續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應為150個左右;2.請按如下格式在相應位置作答。Afewweekslater,whenIalmostforgotthecontest,therecamethenews.