DEARJOHN

NicholasSparks

Thisnovelwasbothajoyandachallengetowrite;a

joybecauseit'smyhopethatthecharactersreflectthehonorandintegrityofthosewhoserveinthemilitary,andachallengebecause...well,tobecompletelyhonest,Ifindthateverynovel

Iwriteischallenging.Therearethosepeople,however,whomakethechallengethatmucheasier,andwithoutfurtherado,I'dlike

tothankthem.

ToCat,mywifeandthewomanIlovewithallmyheart.Thanksforyourpatience,babe.

ToMiles,Ryan,Landon,Lexie,andSavannah,mychildren.Thanksforyourendlessenthusiasm,kids.

ToTheresaPark,myagent.Thanksforeverything.

ToJamieRaab,myeditor.Thanksforyourkindnessandwisdom.ToDavidYoung,thenewCEOofHachetteBookGroup

USA,MaureenEgen,JenniferRomanello,Harvey-JaneKowal,ShannonO'Keefe,SharonKrassney,AbbyKoons,DeniseDiNovi,EdnaFarley,HowieSanders,DavidPark,Flag,ScottSchwimer,LynnHarris,MarkJohnson...I'mthankfulforyourfriendship.

TomyfellowcoachesandathletesontheNewBernHightrackteam(whichwonboththeindoorandoutdoorNorthCarolinaviiiNicholasOparks

StateChampionships):DaveSimpson,PhilemonGray,KarjuanWilliams,DarrylReynolds,AnthonyHendrix,EddieArmstrong,AndrewHendrix,MikeWeir,DanCastelow,MarquesMoore,RaishadDobie,DarrylBarnes,JayrWhitfield,KelvinHardesty,JulianCarter,andBrettWhitney...whataseason,guys!

Prologue

Lenoir,2006

Whatdoesitmeantotrulyloveanother?

TherewasatimeinmylifewhenIthoughtIknewtheanswer:

ItmeantthatI'dcareforSavannahmoredeeplythanIcaredformyselfandthatwe'dspendtherestofourlivestogether.Itwouldn'thavetakenmuch.Sheo

ncetoldmethatthekeytohappiness

wasachievabledreams,andherswerenothingoutoftheordinary.Marriage,family...thebasics.ItmeantI'dhaveasteadyjob,thehousewiththewhitepicketfence,andaminivanorSUVbigenoughtohaulourkidstoschoolortothedentistorofftosoccerpracticeorpianorecitals.Twoorthreekids,shewasneverclearonthat,butmyhunchisthatwhenthetimecame,shewouldhavesuggestedthatweletnaturetakeitscourseandallowGodtomakethedecision.Shewaslikethat—religious,Imean—andIsupposethatwaspartofthereasonIfellforher.Butnomatterwhatwasgoingoninourlives,Icouldimaginelyingbesideherinbedattheendoftheday,holdingherwhilewetalkedandlaughed,lostineachother'sarms.

Itdoesn'tsoundsofar-fetched,right?Whentwopeopleloveeachother?That'swhatIthought,too.Andwhilepartofmestillwantstobelieveit'spossible,Iknowit'snotgoingtohappen.WhenIleavehereagain,I'llnevercomeback.

Fornow,though,I'llsitonthehillsideoverlookingherranch

andwaitforhertoappear.Shewon'tbeabletoseeme,ofcourse.Inthearmy,youlearntoblendintoyoursurroundings,andIlearnedwell,becauseIhadnodesiretodieinsomebackwardforeigndumpinthemiddleoftheIraqidesert.ButIhadtocomebacktothissmallNorthCarolinamountaintowntofindoutwhathappened.Whenapersonsetsathinginmotion,there'safeelingofunease,almostregret,untilyoulearnthetruth.

ButofthisIamcertain:SavannahwillneverknowI'vebeen

heretoday.

Partofmeachesatthethoughtofherbeingsocloseyetsountouchable,butherstoryandminearedifferentnow.Itwasn'teasyformetoacceptthissimpletruth,becausetherewasatimewhenourstorieswerethesame,butthatwassixyearsandtwolifetimesago.Therearememoriesforbothofus,ofcourse,but

I'velearnedthatmemoriescanhaveaphysical,almostlivingpresence,andinthis,SavannahandIaredifferentaswell.If

hersarestarsinthenighttimesky,minearethehauntedemptyspacesinbetween.Andunlikeher,I'vebeenburdenedbyquestionsI'veaskedmyselfathousandtimessincethelasttimewe

weretogether.WhydidIdoit?AndwouldIdoitagain?ItwasI,yousee,whoendedit.

Onthetreessurroundingme,theleavesarejustbeginning

theirslowturntowardthecoloroffire,glowingasthesunpeeksoverthehorizon.Birdshavebeguntheirmorningcalls,andthe

airisperfumedwiththescentofpineandearth;differentfrom

thebrineandsaltofmyhometown.Intime,thefrontdoorcracksopen,andit'sthenthatIseeher.Despitethedistancebetweenus,Ifindmyselfholdingmybreathasshestepsintothedawn.Shestretchesbeforedescendingthefrontstepsandheadsaroundtheside.Beyondher,thehorsepastureshimmerslikeagreenocean,andshepassesthroughthegatethatleadstowardit.Ahorsecallsoutagreeting,asdoesanother,andmyfirstthoughtisthatSavannahseemstoosmalltobemovingsoeasilyamongthem.Butshewasalwayscomfortablewithhorses,andtheywerecomfortablewithher.Ahalfdozennibbleongrassnearthefencepost,mainlyquarterhorses,andMidas,herwhitesockedblackArabian,standsofftooneside.Irodewithher

once,luckilywithoutinjury,andasIwashangingonfordearlife,

Irememberthinkingthatshelookedsorelaxedinthesaddlethatshecouldhavebeenwatchingtelevision.SavannahtakesamomenttogreetMidasnow.Sherubshisnosewhileshewhisperssomething,shepatshishaunches,andwhensheturnsaway,hisearsprickupassheheadstowardthebarn.

Shevanishes,thenemergesagain,carryingtwopails—oats,

Ithink.Shehangsthepailsontwofenceposts,andacouple

ofthehorsestrottowardthem.Whenshestepsbacktomakeroom,Iseeherhairflutterinthebreezebeforesheretrievesasaddleandbridle.WhileMidaseats,shereadieshimforherride,andafewminuteslatershe'sleadinghimfromthepasture,towardthetrailsintheforest,lookingexactlyasshedid

sixyearsago.Iknowitisn'ttrue—Isawherupcloselastyearandnoticedthefirstfinelinesbeginningtoformaroundhereyes—buttheprismthroughwhichIviewherremainsformeunchanging.Tome,shewillalwaysbetwenty-oneandIwill

alwaysbetwenty-three.I'dbeenstationedinGermany;IhadyettogotoFallujahorBaghdadorreceiveherletter,whichIreadintherailroadstationinSamawahintheinitialweeksofthecampaign;Ihadyettoreturnhomefromtheeventsthatchangedthecourseofmylife.

Now,attwenty-nine,Isometimeswonderaboutthechoices

I'vemade.ThearmyhasbecometheonlylifeIknow.Idon'tknowwhetherIshouldbepissedorpleasedaboutthatfact;mostofthetime,Ifindmyselfgoingbackandforth,dependingontheday.Whenpeopleask,ItellthemI'magrunt,andImeanit.I

stillliveonbaseinGermany,Ihavemaybeathousanddollarsinsavings,andIhaven'tbeenonadateinyears.Idon'tsurfmuchanymoreevenonleave,butonmydaysoffIridemyHarleynorthorsouth,wherevermymoodstrikesme.TheHarleywasthesinglebestthingI'veeverboughtformyself,thoughitcostafortuneoverthere.Itsuitsme,sinceI'vebecomesomethingof

aloner.Mostofmybuddieshavelefttheservice,butI'llprobablygetsentbacktoIraqinthenextcoupleofmonths.Atleast,thosearetherumorsaroundbase.WhenIfirstmetSavannahLynnCurtis—tome,she'llalwaysbeSavannahLynnCurtis—IcouldneverhavepredictedmylifewouldturnoutthewayithasorbelievedI'dmakethearmymycareer.

ButIdidmeether;that'sthethingthatmakesmycurrent

lifesostrange.Ifellinlovewithherwhenweweretogether,thenfelldeeperinlovewithherintheyearswewereapart.Ourstoryhasthreeparts:abeginning,amiddle,andanend.Andalthoughthisisthewayallstoriesunfold,Istillcan'tbelievethatoursdidn'tgoonforever.

Ireflectonthesethings,andasalways,ourtimetogethercomesbacktome.Ifindmyselfrememberinghowitbegan,fornowthesememoriesareallIhaveleft.

PARTI

One

Wilmington,2000

MynameisJohnTyree.Iwasbornin1977,andIgrew

upinWilmington,NorthCarolina,acitythatproudlyboaststhelargestportinthestateaswellasalongandvibranthistorybutnowstrikesmemoreasacitythatcameaboutbyaccident.Sure,theweatherwasgreatandthebeachesperfect,butitwasn'treadyforthewaveofYankeeretireesupnorthwhowantedsomeplacecheaptospendtheirgoldenyears.ThecityislocatedonarelativelythinspitoflandboundedbytheCapeFearRiveronone

sideandtheoceanontheother.Highway17—whichleadstoMyrtleBeachandCharleston—bisectsthetownandservesasitsmajorroad.WhenIwasakid,mydadandIcoulddrivefromthehistoricdistrictneartheCapeFearRivertoWrightsvilleBeach

intenminutes,butsomanystoplightsandshoppingcentershavebeenaddedthatitcannowtakeanhour,especiallyontheweekends,whenthetouristscomefloodingin.WrightsvilleBeach,

locatedonanislandjustoffthecoast,isonthenorthernendofWilmingtonandfarandawayoneofthemostpopularbeaches

inthestate.Thehomesalongthedunesareridiculouslyexpensive,andmostofthemarerentedoutallsummerlong.TheOuter

BanksmayhavemoreromanticappealbecauseoftheirisolationandwildhorsesandthatflightthatOrvilleandWilburwerefamousfor,butletmetellyou,mostpeoplewhogotothebeach

onvacationfeelmostathomewhentheycanfindaMcDonald'sorBurgerKingnearby,incasethelittleonesaren'ttoofondofthelocalfare,andwantmorethanacoupleofchoiceswhenitcomestoeveningactivities.

Likeallcities,Wilmingtonisrichinplacesandpoorinothers,andsincemydadhadoneofthesteadiest,solid-citizenjobsontheplanet—hedroveamaildeliveryrouteforthepostoffice—wedidokay.Notgreat,butokay.Weweren'trich,butwelivedcloseenoughtotherichareaformetoattendoneofthebesthigh

schoolsinthecity.Unlikemyfriends'homes,though,ourhousewasoldandsmall;partoftheporchhadbeguntosag,buttheyardwasitssavinggrace.Therewasabigoaktreeinthebackyard,andwhenIwaseightyearsold,IbuiltatreehousewithscrapsofwoodIcollectedfromaconstructionsite.Mydaddidn'thelpmewith

theproject(ifhehitanailwithahammer,itcouldhonestlybecalledanaccident);itwasthesamesummerItaughtmyselftosurf.IsupposeIshouldhaverealizedthenhowdifferentIwasfrommydad,butthatjustshowshowlittleyouknowaboutlifewhenyou'reakid.

MydadandIwereasdifferentastwopeoplecouldpossiblybe.Wherehewaspassiveandintrospective,Iwasalwaysinmotionandhatedtobealone;whileheplacedahighvalueoneducation,schoolformewaslikeasocialclubwithsportsaddedin.Hehadpoorpostureandtendedtoshufflewhenhewalked;1bouncedfromheretothere,foreveraskinghimtotimehowlongittook

metoruntotheendoftheblockandback.Iwastallerthanhim

bythetimeIwasineighthgradeandcouldbeathiminarmwrestlingayearlater.Ourphysicalfeatureswerecompletelydifferent,

too.Whilehehadsandyhair,hazeleyes,andfreckles,I

hadbrownhairandeyes,andmyoliveskinwoulddarkentoadeeptanbyMay.Ourdifferencesstrucksomeofourneighborsasodd,whichmadesense,Isuppose,consideringthathe'draisedmebyhimself.AsIgrewolder,IsometimesheardthemwhisperingaboutthefactthatmymomhadrunoffwhenIwaslessthanayearold.ThoughIlatersuspectedmymomhadmetsomeoneelse,mydadneverconfirmedthis.Allhe'dsaywasthatshe'drealizedshemadeamistakeingettingmarriedsoyoung,andthatshewasn'treadytobeamother.Heneitherheapedscornonhernorpraisedher,buthemadesurethatIincludedherinmyprayers,

nomatterwhereshewasorwhatshe'ddone."Youremindmeofher,"he'dsaysometimes.Tothisday,I'veneverspokenasinglewordtoher,nordoIhaveanydesiretodoso.

Ithinkmydadwashappy.Iphraseitlikethisbecauseheseldomshowedmuchemotion.Hugsandkisseswereararityformegrowingup,andwhentheydidhappen,theyoftenstruckmeaslifeless,somethinghedidbecausehefelthewassupposedto,notbecausehewantedto.Iknowhelovedmebythewayhedevotedhimselftomycare,buthewasforty-threewhenhehadme,andpartofmethinksmydadwouldhavebeenbettersuitedtobeing

amonkthanaparent.HewasthequietestmanI'veeverknown.Heaskedfewquestionsaboutwhatwasgoingoninmylife,andwhileherarelygrewangry,herarelyjoked,either.Helivedforroutine.Hecookedmescrambledeggs,toast,andbaconeverysinglemorningandlistenedasItalkedaboutschooloveradinnerhe'dpreparedaswell.Hescheduledvisitstothedentisttwo

monthsinadvance,paidhisbillsonSaturdaymorning,didthelaundryonSundayafternoon,andleftthehouseeverymorning

atexactly7:35a.m.Hewassociallyawkwardandspentlonghoursaloneeveryday,droppingpackagesandbunchesofmailintothemailboxesalonghisroute.Hedidn'tdate,nordidhespendweekendnightsplayingpokerwithhisbuddies;thetelephonecould

staysilentforweeks.Whenitdidring,itwaseitherawrongnumberoratelemarketer.Iknowhowharditmusthavebeenforhim

toraisemeonhisown,buthenevercomplained,evenwhenIdisappointedhim.

Ispentmostofmyeveningsalone.Withthedutiesofthedayfinallycompleted,mydadwouldheadtohisdentobewithhiscoins.Thatwashisonegreatpassioninlife.Hewasmostcontentwhilesittinginhisden,studyingacoindealernewsletternicknamedtheGreysheetandtryingtofigureoutthenextcoinhe

shouldaddtohiscollection.Actually,itwasmygrandfatherwhooriginallystartedthecoincollection.Mygrandfather'sherowas

amannamedLouisEliasberg,aBaltimorefinancierwhoisthe

onlypersontohaveassembledacompletecollectionofUnitedStatescoins,includingallthevariousdatesandmintmarks.Hiscollectionrivaled,ifnotsurpassed,thecollectionattheSmithsonian,andafterthedeathofmygrandmotherin1951,mygrandfatherbecametransfixedbytheideaofbuildingacollectionwith

hisson.Duringthesummers,mygrandfatheranddadwouldtravelbytraintothevariousmintstocollectthenewcoinsfirsthandorvisitvariouscoinshowsintheSoutheast.Intime,mygrandfatheranddadestablishedrelationshipswithcoindealersacrossthecountry,andmygrandfatherspentafortuneovertheyearstradingupandimprovingthecollection.UnlikeLouisEliasberg,however,mygrandfatherwasn'trich—heownedageneralstorein

BurgawthatwentoutofbusinesswhenthePigglyWigglyopeneditsdoorsacrosstown—andneverhadachanceatmatchingEliasberg'scollection.Evenso,everyextradollarwentintocoins.Mygrandfatherworethesamejacketforthirtyyears,drovethesamecarhisentirelife,andI'mprettysuremydadwenttoworkforthepostalserviceinsteadofheadingofftocollegebecausetherewasn'tadimeleftovertopayforanythingbeyondahighschooleducation.Hewasanoddduck,that'sforsure,aswasmydad.Likefather,likeson,astheoldsayinggoes.Whentheoldmanfinallypassedaway,hespecifiedinhiswillthathishousebesoldandthemoneyusedtopurchaseevenmorecoins,whichwasexactlywhatmydadprobablywouldhavedoneanyway.

Bythetimemydadinheritedthecollection,itwasalready

quitevaluable.Wheninflationwentthroughtheroofandgoldhit$850anounce,itwasworthasmallfortune,morethanenoughformyfrugaldadtoretireafewtimesoverandmorethanitwould

beworthaquartercenturylater.Butneithermygrandfathernor

mydadhadbeenintocollectingforthemoney;theywereinitforthethrillofthehuntandthebonditcreatedbetweenthem.

Therewassomethingexcitingaboutsearchinglongandhardfor

aspecificcoin,finallylocatingit,thenwheelinganddealingto

getitfortherightprice.Sometimesacoinwasaffordable,othertimesitwasn't,buteachandeverypiecetheyaddedwasatreasure.Mydadhopedtosharethesamepassionwithme,including

thesacrificeitrequired.Growingup,Ihadtosleepwithextrablanketsinthewinter,andIgotasinglepairofnewshoeseveryyear;therewasnevermoneyformyclothes,unlesstheycamefromtheSalvationArmy.Mydaddidn'tevenownacamera.TheonlypictureevertakenofuswasatacoinshowinAtlanta.Adealersnappeditaswestoodbeforehisboothandsentittous.Foryearsitwasperchedonmydad'sdesk.Inthephoto,mydadhadhisarmdrapedovermyshoulder,andwewerebothbeaming.Inmyhand,

Iwasholdinga1926-Dbuffalonickelingemcondition,acoin

thatmydadhadjustpurchased.Itwasamongtherarestofallbuffalonickels,andweendedupeatinghotdogsandbeansfora

month,sinceitcostmorethanhe'dexpected.

ButIdidn'tmindthesacrifices—forawhile,anyway.Whenmydadstartedtalkingtomeaboutcoins—Imusthavebeeninthefirstorsecondgradeatthetime—hespoketomelikeanequal.Havinganadult,especiallyyourdad,treatyoulikeanequalisaheadythingforanyyoungchild,andIbaskedintheattention,absorbingtheinformation.Intime,IcouldtellyouhowmanySaint-Gaudensdoubleeaglesweremintedin1927ascomparedwith1924andwhyan1895BarberdimemintedinNewOrleanswastentimesmorevaluablethanthesamecoinmintedinthesameyearinPhiladelphia.Istillcan,bytheway.Yetunlikemydad,Ieventuallybegantogrowoutofmypassionforcollecting.

Itwasallmydadseemedabletotalkabout,andaftersixorsevenyearsofweekendsspentwithhiminsteadoffriends,Iwantedout.Likemostboys,Istartedtocareaboutotherthings:sportsandgirlsandcarsandmusic,primarily,andbyfourteen,Iwasspendinglittletimeathome.Myresentmentbegantogrowaswell.Little

bylittle,IbegantonoticedifferencesinthewaywelivedwhenIcomparedmyselfwithmostofmyfriends.Whiletheyhadmoneytospendtogotothemoviesorbuyastylishpairofsunglasses,IfoundmyselfscroungingforquartersinthecouchtobuymyselfaburgeratMcDonald's.Morethanafewofmyfriendsreceivedcarsfortheirsixteenthbirthday;mydadgavemean1883MorgansilverdollarthathadbeenmintedinCarsonCity.Tearsinour

worncouchwerecoveredbyablanket,andweweretheonlyfamilyIknewwhodidn'thavecabletelevisionoramicrowaveoven.

Whenourrefrigeratorbrokedown,heboughtausedonethatwas

theworld'smostawfulshadeofgreen,acolorthatmatchednothingelseinthekitchen.Iwasembarrassedatthethoughtofhavingfriendscomeover,andIblamedmydadforthat.Iknowitwasaprettycrappywaytofeel—ifthelackofmoneybotheredmesomuch,Icouldhavemowedlawnsorworkedoddjobs,forinstancebutthat'sthewayitwas.Iwasasblindasasnailand

dumbasacamel,butevenifItoldyouIregretmyimmaturitynow,Ican'tundothepast.

Mydadsensedthatsomethingwaschanging,buthewasatalossastowhattodoaboutus.Hetried,though,intheonlywayheknewhow,theonlywayhisfatherknew.Hetalkedabout

coins—itwastheonetopichecoulddiscusswithease—andcontinuedtocookmybreakfastsanddinners;butourestrangement

grewworseovertime.Atthesametime,IpulledawayfromthefriendsI'dalwaysknown.Theywerebreakingintocliques,basedprimarilyonwhatmoviestheyweregoingtoseeorthelatestshirtstheyboughtfromthemall,andIfoundmyselfontheoutsidelookingin.Screwthem,Ithought.Inhighschool,there's

alwaysaplaceforeveryone,andIbeganfallinginwiththewrongsortofcrowd,acrowdthatdidn'tgiveadamnaboutanything,whichleftmenotgivingadamn,either.Ibegantocutclassesandsmokeandwassuspendedforfightingonthreeoccasions.

Igaveupsports,too.I'dplayedfootballandbasketballandruntrackuntilIwasasophomore,andthoughmydadsometimesaskedhowIdidwhenIgothome,heseemeduncomfortableifIwentintodetail,sinceitwasobvioushedidn'tknowathingaboutsports.He'dneverbeenonateaminhislife.Heshowedupforasinglebasketballgameduringmysophomoreyear.Hesatinthestands,anoddbaldingguywearingawornsportjacketandsocksthatdidn'tmatch.Thoughhewasn'tobese,hispantsnippedatthewaist,makinghimlookasifhewerethreemonthspregnant,andIknewIwantednothingtodowithhim.Iwasembarrassedbythesightofhim,andafterthegame,Iavoidedhim.I'mnotproudofmyselfforthat,butthat'swhoIwas.

Thingsgotworse.Duringmysenioryear,myrebellionreached

ahighpoint.Mygradeshadbeenslippingfortwoyears,morefromlazinessandlackofcarethanintelligence(Iliketothink),and

morethanoncemydadcaughtmesneakinginlateatnightwithboozeonmybreath.Iwasescortedhomebythepoliceafterbeingfoundatapartywheredrugsanddrinkingwereevident,andwhenmydadgroundedme,Istayedatafriend'shouseforacoupleofweeksafterragingathimtomindhisownbusiness.Hesaidnothinguponmyreturn;instead,scrambledeggs,toast,andbaconwere

onthetableinthemorningsasusual.Ibarelypassedmyclasses,andIsuspecttheschoolletmegraduatesimplybecauseitwantedme

outofthere.Iknowmydadwasworried,andhewouldsometimes,

inhisownshyway,broachthesubjectofcollege,butbythenI'dmadeupmymindnottogo.Iwantedajob,Iwantedacar,IwantedthosematerialthingsI'dlivedeighteenyearswithout.

Isaidnothingtohimaboutitonewayortheotheruntilthe

summeraftergraduation,butwhenherealizedIhadn'tevenappliedtojuniorcollege,helockedhimselfinhisdenfortherestof

thenightandsaidnothingtomeoveroureggsandbaconthenextmorning.Laterthatevening,hetriedtoengagemeinanotherdiscussionaboutcoins,asifgraspingforthecompanionshipthathadsomehowbeenlostbetweenus.

"DoyourememberwhenwewenttoAtlantaandyouweretheonewhofoundthatbuffaloheadnickelwe'dbeenlookingforforyears?"hestarted."Theonewherewehadourpicturetaken?I'llneverforgethowexcitedyouwere.Itremindedmeofmyfatherandme."

Ishookmyhead,allthefrustrationoflifewithmydadcoming

tothesurface."I'msickandtiredofhearingaboutcoins!"Ishoutedathim."Ineverwanttohearaboutthemagain!Youshouldsell

thedamncollectionanddosomethingelse.Anythingelse."

Mydadsaidnothing,buttothisdayI'llneverforgethispainedexpressionwhenatlastheturnedandtrudgedbacktohisden.I'dhurthim,andthoughItoldmyselfIhadn'twantedto,deepdown

IknewIwaslyingtomyself.Fromthenonmydadrarelybroughtupthesubjectofcoinsagain.NordidI.Itbecameayawninggulfbetweenus,anditleftuswithnothingtosaytoeachother.Afewdayslater,Irealizedthattheonlyphotographofuswasgoneaswell,asifhebelievedthateventheslightestreminderofcoinswouldoffendme.Atthetime,itprobablywouldhave,andeventhoughIassumedthathe'dthrownitaway,therealizationdidn'tbothermeatall.

Growingup,I'dneverconsideredenteringthemilitary.DespitethefactthateasternNorthCarolinaisoneofthemostmilitarilydenseareasofthecountry—therearesevenbaseswithinafewhours'drivingtimefromWilmington—Iusedtothinkthatmilitarylifewasforlosers.Whowantedtospendhislifegettingorderedaroundbyabunchofcrew-cutflunkies?Notme,andaside

fromtheROTCguys,notmanypeopleinmyhighschool,either.Instead,mostofthekidswho'dbeengoodstudentsheadedofftotheUniversityofNorthCarolinaorNorthCarolinaState,whilethekidswhohadn'tbeengoodstudentsstayedbehind,bummingaroundfromonelousyjobtothenext,drinkingbeerandhangingout,andprettymuchavoidinganythingthatmightrequireashredofresponsibility.

Ifellintothelattercategory.Inthecoupleofyearsaftergraduation,Iwentthroughasuccessionofjobs,workingasabusboyatOutbackSteakhouse,tearingticketstubsatthelocalmovietheater,

loadingandunloadingboxesatStaples,cookingpancakesatWaffleHouse,andworkingasacashieratacoupleoftouristplacesthatsoldcraptotheout-of-towners.IspenteverydimeIearned,hadzeroillusionsabouteventuallyworkingmywayuptheladder

tomanagement,andendedupgettingfiredfromeveryjobIhad.Forawhile,Ididn'tcare.Iwaslivingmylife.Iwasbigintosurfinglateandsleepingin,andsinceIwasstilllivingathome,noneofmyincomewasneededforthingslikerentorfoodorinsuranceorpreparingforafuture.Besides,noneofmyfriendswasdoinganybetterthanIwas.Idon'trememberbeingparticularlyunhappy,butafterawhileIjustgottiredofmylife.Notthesurfingpart—in

1996,HurricanesBerthaandFranslammedintothecoast,andthoseweresomeofthebestwavesinyears—buthangingoutatLeroy'sbarafterward.Ibegantorealizethateverynightwasthesame.I'dbedrinkingbeersandbumpintosomeoneI'dknownfromhighschool,andthey'daskwhatIwasdoingandI'dtellthem,andthey'dtellmewhattheyweredoing,anditdidn'ttakeageniustofigureoutwewerebothonthefasttracktonowhere.Eveniftheyhadtheirownplace,whichIdidn't,IneverbelievedthemwhentheytoldmetheylikedtheirjobasditchdiggerorwindowwasherorPortaPottihauler,becauseIknewfullwellthatnoneofthosewerethekindsofoccupationsthey'dgrownupdreamingabout.Imighthavebeenlazyintheclassroom,butIwasn'tstupid.

Idateddozensofwomenduringthatperiod.AtLeroy's,there

werealwayswomen.Mostwereforgettablerelationships.Iusedwomenandallowedmyselftobeusedandalwayskeptmyfeelingstomyself.OnlymyrelationshipwithagirlnamedLucylasted

morethanafewmonths,andforashorttimebeforeweinevitablydriftedapart,IthoughtIwasinlovewithher.ShewasastudentatUNCWilmington,ayearolderthanme,andwantedtowork

inNewYorkaftershegraduated."Icareaboutyou,"shetoldmeonourlastnighttogether,"butyouandIwantdifferentthings.Youcoulddosomuchmorewithyourlife,butforsomereason,you'recontenttosimplyfloatalong."She'dhesitatedbeforegoingon."Butmorethanthat,Ineverknowhowyoureallyfeelaboutme."Iknewshewasright.Soonafter,sheleftonaplanewithoutbotheringtosaygood-bye.Ayearlater,aftergettinghernumberfromherparents,Icalledherandwetalkedfortwentyminutes.

Shewasengagedtoanattorney,shetoldme,andwouldbemarriedthefollowingJune.

ThephonecallaffectedmemorethanIthoughtitwould.It

cameonadaywhe