THETWINHELLS

BYJOHNN.REYNOLDSATCHISON,KANSAS.

TOMYDEAROLDMOTHERANDTOTHEMEMORYOFMYSAINTEDWIFETHISBOOKISAFFECTIONATELYDEDICATEDBYTHEAUTHOR.

PREFACE

Thefollowingpagestreatofhell--AKansashellandaMissourihell.ThosewhodesiretoperuseworksthattellaboutHeavenonly,areurgedtodropthisbookandrun.IwasaninmateoftheKansaspenitentiaryforsixteenmonths,andmakementionofwhatcameundermyownobservationinconnectionwithwhatIexperienced.WhileaninmateofthisprisonIoccupiedcellsatvarioustimeswithconvictswhohadservedtermsintheMissouriprison.FromthesepersonsIgatheredmuchusefulmaterialformybook.AftermyreleaseIvisitedtheMissouripenitentiary,andverifiedthestatementsofthosecriminals,andgatheredadditionalmaterialfromtheprisonrecordsandtheofficials.Ihavewrittenchieflyfortheyouthofthecountry,butallageswillbedeeplyinterestedinthefollowingpages.Alargemajorityoftheconvictsareyoungmenfromsixteentotwenty-fiveyearsofage.Theyhadnoideaoftheterriblesufferingsofaconvictlife,ortheysurelywouldhaveresistedtemptationandkeptoutofcrime.Thefollowingpageswillimparttothereadersomeideaofwhathemayexpecttoendureincasehebecomesentangledinthemeshesofthelaw,andiscompelledtodoservicefortheStatewithoutanyremuneration.Everypenitentiaryisaveritablehell.Depriveapersonofhisliberty,punishandmaltreathim,andyoufillhislifewithmiseryakintothosewhowanderinthedarknessof"eternalnight,"Ithink,whenthereaderhasperusedthefollowingpages,hewillagreewithme,thatthebookhasthepropertitle.Thatthisvolumemayprovean"eye-opener"totheboyswhomayreadit,andproveinterestingandinstructivetothoseofmatureyears,istheearnestwishoftheauthor.

AKANSASHELL

CHAPTERIMYINITIATIONANDCRIME

Guilty!Thisword,sorepletewithsadnessandsorrow,fellonmyearonthatblackestofallblackFridays,October14,1887.

PenitentiarylightningstruckmeinthecityofLeavenworth,Kansas.IwastriedintheUnitedStatesDistrictCourt;hence,aUnitedStatesprisoner.

TheoffenseforwhichIwastriedandconvictedwasthatofusingthemailsforfraudulentpurposes.Mysentencewaseighteenmonthsinthepenitentiary,andafineoftwohundreddollars.Iservedsixteenmonths,attheendofwhichtimeIwasgivenmyliberty.DuringtheperiodIwasinprisonIdugcoalsixmonthsinthepenitentiarycoalmines,andwasoneoftheclerksoftheinstitutiontheremainderoftheterm.Gettingpermissiontohavewritingmaterialinmycell,Ifirstmasteredshort-handwriting,orphonography,andthenwrotemybook:"AKansasHell;or,LifeintheKansasPenitentiary."Mymanuscriptbeinginshort-hand,noneoftheprisonofficialswereabletoreadit,anddidnotknowwhatIwasdoinguntilIobtainedmylibertyandhadmybookpublished.

This,nodoubt,willbetheproperplacetogivesomeofmyantecedents,aswellasafewofthedetailsofthecrimeforwhichIwassenttothepenitentiary.IspentmyyouthandearlymanhoodatIndianola,Iowa,fromwhichplaceIremovedtoNebraska.AfterresidingforsometimeinColumbus,ofthatState,IwasappointedbythegovernortoassistinorganizingthePawneeIndianReservationintoacounty.WhenorganizeditwascalledNanceCounty,beingnamedforHon.AlbinusNance,thengovernoroftheState.Iheldthepositionofcountyclerkofthatcountyforfourconsecutiveyears.DuringthistimeIorganizedtheCitizens'Bank.Iwasitscashieratfirst,and,lateron,itspresident.Ihadalucrativebusinessandwasdoingwell.Mywife'shealthfailedher;shebecameconsumptive.MyfamilyphysicianadvisedaremovaltotheSouth.Iclosedoutmybusinessatagreatsacrifice,andcametoAtchison,Kansas.HereIlocated,andmadeitmyfuturehome.SoonaftermyarrivalIcommencedthepublicationofadailynewspaper,knownasthe"Times."

InthecountyinwhichIlocatedIfoundoneoftheworstandmostcorruptpoliticalringsonthefaceoftheearth.Thiscombinationhadcontrolledthepoliticsofthecountyforalmostaquarterofacentury.SoonIbecameinvolvedinaterrificnewspaperwarwiththemembersofthispoliticalorganization.AnelectionofcountyandStateofficialswassoontotakeplace.Inordertotestthestrengthofthecontendingelements,inmynewspaper,IpresentedthenameofHon.W.D.Gilbertasacandidatefordistrictjudgeinoppositiontotheringcandidate.Asharpfightensued.Mr.Gilbertwaselectedbyanoverwhelmingmajority.Thiswasthefirsttimefortwenty-fiveyearsthatthisringhadbeendefeated.Themembersofitwereverysore.Lookinguponmeastheprincipalspirit,Iwastheobjecttowardwhichtheydirectedalltheirshaftsofspite.

SometimebeforethisaninsurancecompanyhadbeenorganizedinthecityofAtchison.Iwasinvitedtobecomeitspresident.Iexaminedthebooksofthecorporation,andfoundittobeorganizedaccordingtothelawsofKansas;thatthecompanyhadacharterfromtheState,andalsocertifiedauthoritytoissuepoliciesofinsurance,grantedbytheStateinsurancecommissioner.Iacceptedthepresidencyonconditionthatthecompanywassimplytohavetheuseofmyname,andthatIwasnotexpectedtogiveanyofmytimetothecompany,asIwasotherwiseengaged.Iwaseditorofadailynewspaper,andcouldnotattendtoanythingelse.Whilethiscompanywasdoingbusinessaprintedcircularwasused,statingthatthecorporationhadonehundredthousanddollarsPAIDupcapital.ThiscircularwassentoutthroughthemailsovertheStateadvertisingthebusiness.Itwaschargedthiscircularwasfraudulent;thatthecompanydidnothavethatamountofcapitalpaidin.Mynamewasattachedtothisprintedcircular.Forthis,IwasindictedintheUnitedStatesDistrictCourt,onthechargeofusingthemailsforfraudulentpurposes.TheadvertisedcapitalofthiscorporationwasSUBSCRIBED,butnotallpaidin,asitwasnotneededinthebusinessofthecompany.AfterindictmentIwasarrested,andgavebondsformyappearanceatthenexttermofcourt,whichwasheldsoonafter.

Notbeingabletosecuretheattendanceofallmywitnesses,myattorneywrotetheprosecutingattorneyaskinghisconsentthatmycasebecontinued.Therequestwasgranted.Whenthecasewascalled,myattorneyappearedandintroducedamotiontocontinuethecase,filingaffidavitsnecessaryinsuchcases.Theprosecutingattorneyhavinggivenhisconsent,therewasnodoubtinthemindsofthoseinterestedastothecontinuanceofthecase.Forsomecausebestknowntohimself,thejudgewouldnotgrantthecontinuance,andforcedmetotrialwithouthavingasinglewitness.Itwasmyintentiontohavesomefiftywitnessessubpoenaed,toprovethattheinsurancecompanyofwhichIwaspresidentwasnotafraud.Notbeingallowedtohavemywitnesses,Iwas,undertheinstructionsofthecourt,whichwere,indeed,exceedinglypointed,foundguilty,andsentencedtoeighteenmonths'imprisonmentandtopayafineoftwohundreddollars.Thepoliticalringnowtriumphedforabriefperiod.Inordertoproveconclusivelytothereaderthatthiswasapieceofspitework,IhaveonlytostatethatIwastheonlyoneofalltheofficersofthatcompanythatwasevertriedforrunningabogusinsurancecompany.WhywasitthatIwastheonlyonesenttothepenitentiarywhentherewasthesecretary,treasurer,andsixdirectorsequallyasguiltyasmyself?

Toprovemoreconclusivelythatitwaspoliticalspiteworkthatsentmetoprison,letmeinformthereadersthataboutthetimetheinsurancecompanyatAtchisonwasorganized,asimilaronewasorganizedinTopeka.TheyweresimilarinEVERYRESPECT.IwaspresidentoftheoneatAtchison,whileadistinguishedgentlemanbythenameofGen.J.C.CaldwellwaspresidentoftheoneatTopeka.Bothofthesecompaniesfailed.ThepresidentoftheAtchisoncompanywassenttothepenitentiary,whilethepresidentoftheTopekacompanywasappointedbythegovernoroftheStatetotheresponsiblepositionofchairmanoftheStateBoardofPardons.Manypersonshaveaskedwhythisdifferenceinthetreatmentofthepresidentsofthesetwocompanies.TheonlyanswerthatcanbegivenisthatGeneralCaldwellstoodinwiththeKansaspoliticalring,whileIdidnot.Everysensiblemanmustadmitthatifitwasjustformetoserveaterminprisonfortheoffensechargedagainstme,GeneralCaldwellshouldhavebeenprescribedforinthesamemanner.IhavenofighttomakeuponMr.Caldwell.Heisanexcellentgentlemen.Hewasinluck.Thefateswereagainstme.HadIbeenaStateinsteadofaUnitedStatesprisoner,nodoubtMr.Caldwell,aschairmanoftheBoardofPardons,wouldhaveusedhisinfluencetosecureformemyliberty.ThatIwassenttoprisoniswhollyduetopolitics.Itisunnecessary,therefore,formetoinformthereaderthatIamnow"outofpolitics."HavingservedoutmytermIreturnedtomyhomeinAtchison.Astotheringthatsentmetoprison,someofthemaredead,othershaveleftAtchisontomaketheirhomesinotherplaces,othershavefailedfinancially,andstillothershavefallensolowthattheyhavescarcelyfriendsenoughtoburythemshouldtheyhappentodie.

Thebigwheeloflifekeepsonrevolving.Thosewhoareupto-daymaybedownto-morrow,andviceversa.Buttocontinuemynarrative.ImmediatelyaftermyconvictionandsentenceIwastakentotheLeavenworthCountyjail.HereIremaineduntilthefollowingTuesdayinthecompanyofadozenormoreprisonerswhowereawaitingtrial.OnSunday,whileinthisjail,mywife,whodiedduringmyimprisonmentofabrokenheart,andanaccountofwhichisgiveninasubsequentchapter,cametoseeme.Icanneverforgetthisvisit.Sheremainedwithmeduringtheentireday.DuringtheconversationofthedayIsaidtoherthat,itseemedthatthefutureappearedverygloomy.ThatitwouldbeamiracleifIeverwasabletosurvivethedisgracethathadbeensocruellyplaceduponme.Thatallambitionandhopeastothefuturehadfled,andthatIcouldnotblameherifsheshouldnowfreeherselfbymeansofdivorce,asmyconvictionofcrimewasalegalgroundfordivorceinKansas.Inreplytothis,thenoblelittlewoman,herfaceaglowwiththeradianceofwomanlydevotion,said,thatfortwentyyearsofmarriedlifeourhomehadbeenoneofsunshine;thatIhadbeenkindtoherandmadeherlifeoneofhappiness,andthatnow,whenmisfortunecame,itwasnotonlyaduty,butthehighestpleasure,toproveherfidelity.Shekeptherword.Shewastruetothelast.Whendying,herlastwordswereapetitionfortheblessingsofGoduponherhusbandwhowasfarawaybehindfrowningprisonwalls.OnTuesdaymorningadeputyUnitedStatesmarshalcametothejailandgavemenoticethatinafewmomentswewouldleaveforthepenitentiary.Thisofficerwasagentleman,anddidnotseektofurtherhumiliatemebyplacingironsonmyperson.Ihaveoftenthoughtofthisactofkindnessonthepartofthishumaneofficial.WetookthetrainatLeavenworth,andinaveryfewmomentswereatmyfutureplaceofresidence.Lansing,thesmallvillagewherethepenitentiaryislocated,isaboutfivemilesfromthecityofLeavenworth.Theentrancetotheprisonisfromthewest.Underthewatchfulcareoftheofficerwhohadmeincharge,Ipassedunderastonearchway,totheleftofwhichwasasmalloffice,whereaguardwasondutyduringthedaytime.Wewerehaltedbythisofficer,whoinquiredifwehadanyfirearms.Noonevisitingthepenitentiaryisallowedtocarryfire-armswithintheenclosure.Themarshalwhohadmeincustodyhandedoveralargenavyrevolver.Betweenthisarchwayandthewesternwalloftheprisonisabeautifullawn.Thewalksarelinedwithfragrantflowers;beautifulfountainssendalofttheirsilverysprays.Passinguptheroadwayleadingtotheentrancedoor,andlookingaboutmeupontherichcarpetofgreen,theflowersandfountains,IcametotheconclusionthatthepenitentiarywasnotsobadaplaceasIhadimagined.Ichangedmymind,however,assoonasIhadseeninsidethewalls.

Theprisonenclosurecontainsabouttenacresofground.Thisissurroundedbyastonewallsomefifteenfeethigh,andsixfeetthickatthebase.Itisnotmorethanfourfeetatthetop.Ateachofthefourcornersmaybefoundatowerrisingsometenfeetabovethewall.Aguardisondutyineachofthesetowersduringtheday.Hecarriesadouble-barreledshotgunloadedwithbuckshot.Incaseaprisonertriestoescapeheisliabletogetadoseoflead,providedtheofficerondutyisagoodmarksman.Thewesternwallisalmostentirelymadeofalargestonebuildingwithitstwolongwings.Themainbuildingisfourstories.Thewingsstretchingtothenorthandsouth,eachtwohundredandfiftyfeet,containthecells.Onthefirstfloorofthemainbuildingaretheofficesofthewarden,clerk,deputywardenandturnkey.Theupperroomsareusedbythewarden'sfamily.

Iwasfirstconductedintotheclerk'sofficeandintroducedtoMr.Jones,theclerk.Heisaverypleasantgentleman,andspokekindlytome,which

Icanassureallwasveryacceptable,forjustaboutthattimeIwasfeelingverybadly.Hisremarkwas:"Iamverygladtomeetyou,Mr.Reynolds,butsorrytomeetyouunderthesesadcircumstances."OnhisinvitationItookachairandsatdowntoawaitthenextpartoftheprogamme.AsIsatthereandthoughtofthekindwordsspokentomebytheclerk,IquicklyreachedtheconclusionthatifalltheofficersofthatinstitutionwereaskindasMr.Jones,itwouldnotbeasbadaplaceasIhadanticipated.Ihadnoexperiencethenthatwouldjustifyanyotherconclusion.Soonasidedooroftheofficeopenedandincamethedeputywarden,Mr.JohnHiggins.Mr.H.isthesourestappearingmanIevermetinmylife.Atleast,itseemedsotomeonthatday.HecangetmorevinegarontheoutsideofhisfacethananyotherpersonintheStateofKansas.Hedidnotwaittobeintroducedtome.Henevercravesanintroductiontoacriminal.Assoonashecameintotheroomhegotapolewithwhichtomeasureme.Then,lookingatme,inaharsh,gruffvoicehecalledout:"Standuphere."AtfirstIdidnotarise.Atthesecondinvitation,however,Istoodupandwasmeasured.Mydescriptionwastakenbytheclerk.InthisofficethereistobefoundadescriptionofallthecriminalsthateverenteredtheKansaspenitentiary.IwasaskedifIwasamarriedman,howmanychildrenIhad,andhowmuchpropertyIpossessed.Thesequestionswereeasilyanswered.Afterthedeputywardenhaddischargedhisdutyheretired.Isoondiscoveredthatitwasaccordingtotherulesoftheprisonfortheofficerstotalkinaharshandabruptmannertotheprisoners.ThisaccountedforthewayinwhichIwasgreetedbythedeputywarden,whoisthedisciplinarianoftheprison.Imaysay,inpassing,thatalltheharshmannersofMr.Higginsaresimplyborrowedfortheoccasion.Awayfromthepresenceofprisoners,overwhomheistoexerthisinfluence,thereisnottobefoundamorepleasantandagreeablegentleman.Incameasecondofficial,and,inthesamegruffmanner,saidtome,"Comealong."Ifollowedhimouttothewash-house,whereItookabath.Aprisonertookmymeasureforasuitofclothes.Afterhehadpassedthetape-linearoundmeseveraltimes,heinformedtheofficerthatIwasthesamesizeofJohnRobinson,whohadbeenreleasedfromthepenitentiarythedaybefore."ShallIgivehimJohnRobinson'sclothes?"askedtheconvict.Inthesamegruffmannertheofficersaid,"Yes,bringonRobinson'soldclothes."SoIwasfurnishedwithasecond-handsuit!Theshoesweresecond-hand.Iampositiveaboutthislaststatement,judgingbythearoma.AfterIhadbeeninthepenitentiarysomefourmonths,IlearnedthatJohnRobinson,whoseclothesIhadsecured,wasacoloredman.BeingarrayedinthissuitofstripesIwascertainly"athingofbeauty."Thecoatwasashortblouseandstriped;thestripes,whiteandblack,alternatedwitheachother,andpassedaroundthebodyinahorizontalway.Thepantaloonswerestriped;theshirtwasstriped;thecapwasstriped.Infine,itseemedthateverythingaboutthatpenitentiarywasstriped--eventothecats!Beingdressed,Iwasnexthandedanarticlethatproved,onexamination,tobeintendedforahandkerchief.Itwascoveredwithlargeblueletters--"LeavenworthMills.XXXFlour,"etc.Itwasaquartersectionofafloursack!Ninehundredprisonersverysoonemptyagreatmanyfloursacks.Aftertheflourhasbeenconsumedthesackiscutupintoquartersections,washed,hemmedandusedforhandkerchiefs.Nobetterhandkerchiefcanbeinvented.Theyarestout,stiffanddurable!Theywillbearallmannerofnasalassaults!Thereisnodangerofblowingthemintoatoms,andtheofficialsarenotafraidtogivethemouttoconvictssenttherechargedwiththeuseofdynamite!Oneofthemhasbeenknowntolastaprisonerforfiveyears.

AfterIhaddonnedmysuitandtakenpossessionofmyhandkerchief,Iwasorderedtofoldmyarms.Prisonersmarchinginranks,orgoingtoandfroabouttheprisonenclosure,arerequiredtohavetheirarmsinthisposition.Theobjectistopreventthemfrompassingarticles.Iwasmarchedtothebuildingknownasthesouthwingofthecellhouse.Inthisbuilding,whichistwohundredandfiftyfeetlong,therearecellsfortheaccommodationoffivehundredconvicts.Theprisonerswhooccupythiswingworkintheshopslocatedaboveground,andwithintheprisonenclosure.

Theofficerinchargeconductedmetocellnumberone.Clickwentthelock.Thedoorwaspulledopen,andinhisusualstyle,hesaid,"Getin."Isteppedin.Slamwentthedoor.Clickwentthelock,andIwasinafelon'scell!Theseroomsareaboutfourfeetwide,sevenfeetlong,andsevenfeethigh.Inmanyofthecellstwomenareconfined.Theseroomsareentirelytoosmallfortheaccommodationoftwoprisoners.Anewcellhouseisbeingbuilt,which,whencompleted,willaffordsufficientadditionalroomsothateachprisonercanhaveacell.Inthesesmallroomstherearetwobunksorbedswhentwoconvictsoccupythesamecell.Thebed-rackismadeofironorwoodslats,andthebed-tickisfilledwithcorn-husks;thepillowisalsofilledwiththelattermaterial,andwhenpackeddownbecomesashardasaboard.Whenthebedsarenotinusetheyarefastenedtothesideofthewallwithasmallchain.Whendownandinusetheytakeupnearlytheentirespaceofthecell,sothatitisimpossibleforthetwooccupantstopasseachotherinwalkingtoandfro.Theotherfurnitureconsistsofasmalltinbucket,holdingabouttwoquartsofwater,andawash-basin.Ashort-handledbroomisalsofoundinonecornerofthecell,withwhichtheconvictbrushesitouteverymorning.Thewallsareofstone,decoratedwithasmalllooking-glassandatowel.EachcellcontainsonechairandaHolyBible.ThereisnorichBrusselscarpetonthefloor,althoughprisonersareallowedoneiftheyfurnishitthemselves.Nocostlyupholsteredfurnitureadornsthesesaferetreats!Nothinginthatlineistobediscoveredexceptonecane-bottomedchairfortheaccommodationoftwoprisoners,sothatwhenonesitsonthechairtheotherstands,oroccupiesaseatonthestonefloor.Thereisnotroomfortwochairs,ortheStatewouldfurnishanotherchair.Theseroomsarebuiltofstone.Thedoorisofone-halfinchironbars,crossingeachotheratrightangles,leavingsmallspacesabouttwobysixinches;throughthesespacescometheair,lightandheatforthehealthandcomfortoftheinmates.WhenIenteredmycellonthateventfulmorningIfounditoccupiedbyaprisoner.Hewasalsoanewarrival;hehadprecededmeaboutanhour.WhenIenteredhearoseandgavemehischair,takingaseatonthefloorintheoppositecorner.AfterIhadbeenlockedin,beforegoingawaytheofficersaid,"NowIdon'twantyoufellowstogettotalking,forthatisnotpermittedinthisinstitution."Wesatinsilence,surveyingeachother;inafewmomentsmycompanion,seeingsomethinginmypersonalappearancethatcausedhimtolosehisselfcontrol,laughed.Thathemightgivefullventtohislaughingpropensities,andnotmaketoomuchnoise,hedrewfromhispockethisquartersectionofaflourbagandputitintohismouth.Hesoonbecameasredinthefaceasalobster.Iwascurious,ofcourse,toknowwhatitwasthatpleasedhimsomuch.Risingfrommychair,goingtothedoorandlookingthroughtheopeningsIcouldseenoofficernear,soIaskedmycompanion,inawhisper,whatitwasthatpleasedhimso.Itwaswithdifficultyandafterseveraltrialsbeforehecouldsucceedintellingmewhatitwasthatcausedhimtobesoconvulsed.Itoldhimtotakehistime,cooloffgradually,asIhadeighteenmonths,andcouldwaitpatiently.Atlast,beingabletocontrolhisfeelingssufficientlytotellme,inthemidstofhisoutburstsoflaughter,hesaid,"YoulookjustlikeoneofthemzebrasinBarnum'sCircus!"Whenmyattentionwascalledtothematter,sureenough,Ididlookratherstriped,andI,amusedathissuggestion,laughedalso.Soonanofficercameglidingaroundinfrontofthecell,whenourlaughingceased.MycompanionwasayoungfellowfromDoniphanCounty.Hegotdrunkandtriedtorobanassociate,stilldrunker,ofatwentydollargoldpiece.Hewasarrested,triedandconvictedofrobbery,receivingasentenceofoneyear.Directlyanofficercame,tookhimoutofmycellandconductedhimtoanotherdepartment.Allalone,Isatinmylittleparlorfornearlyanhour,thinkingoverthepast.Myreveriewasatlengthbrokenbytheturningofmydoorlock.Afresharrivalwastoldto"gitin."Thisprisonerhadtheappearanceofjusthavingbeenlassoedonthewildwesternprairies.Heresembledacow-boy.Hiswhiskerswerelongandsandy.Hishair,ofthesamecolor,felluponhisshoulders.Assoonastheofficerhadgoneawayandeverythinghadbecomequiet,Iaskedthisfellowhisname."Horserider,"washisreply,fromwhichIinferredthathewasahorse-thief."Howlongatermhaveyou?"wasmynextquestion."Sevenyears,"washisreply.Icomfortedhimbysayingitwouldbesometimebeforeherodeanotherhorse.

Thenextpartoftheprogrammeconsistedinalittledarkeycominginfrontofourcellwitharudelyconstructedbarber'schair.Thecelldooropened,andanofficersaidtome,asifhewouldhitmewithaclubthenextmoment,"Gitoutofthere."Iwentout.Pointingtothebarber'schair,hesaid,"Squatyourselfinthatchair."Isatdown."Throwbackyourhead."Ilaiditback.Itwasnotlongbeforemyravenmustachewasoff,andmyhaircutratheruncomfortablyshortforflytime.Afterthistonsorialartisthadfinishedhisworkthencamethecommandoncemore,"Gitin."Igotin.ItnowcameMr.Horserider'sturntobidalongfarewelltohisauburnlocks.Hetookhisplaceinthechair,andthelittledarkey,possiblyforhisownamusement,cutoffthehairononesideoftheheadandlefttheotheruntouched.Hethenshavedonesideofhisfacewithoutdisturbingtheother.Atthismomentthebellfordinnerrang,andthelittlecoloredfellowbrokeawayandrantohisdivision,tofallinranks,sothathewouldnotmisshisnoonmeal.OncemoreMr.Horseriderenteredhiscellandwewerelockedin.AmorecomicalobjectIneverbeheld;hedidnotevenpossessthebeautyofababoon;hemightcertainlyhavepassedfortheeighthwonderoftheworld.WhenhecameinIhandedhimthesmalllooking-glassandaskedhimhowhelikedhishair-cut.Remember,onesideofhisheadandfacewasshavedclose,andtheothercoveredwithlongsandyhairandbeard.Lookingintotheglass,heexclaimed:"HolyMoses!andwhoamI,anyway?"IansweredhisquestionbystatingthathefavoredMr.What-Is-It.Hewasveryuneasyforatime,thinkingthathewasgoingtobeleftinthatcondition.Hewantedtoknowofmeifallhorse-thievesofthepenitentiaryworetheirhairandwhiskersinthisstyle.IcomfortedhimallIcouldbyimpartingtheinformationthattheydid.Hewasmuchrelievedwhenthedarkeyreturnedafterdinnerandfinishedtheshaving.

Iwasnexttakenoutofmycelltopassamedicalexamination.Dr.Mooney,thegentlemanlyofficerinchargeofthehospital,putinanappearancewithalargebookunderhisarmandsatdownbyatable.Iwasusheredintohispresence.Hebeganaskingmequestions,andwrotedownmyanswersinhisbook,whichprovedtobethephysician'sregister.

"Haveyouanydecayedteeth?"washisfirstquestion,"No,sir,"wasmyreply.

"Haveyoueverlostanyteeth?""No,sir."

"Haveyoueverhadthemeasles?""Yes,sir."

"Haveyoueverhadthemumps?""Yes,sir."

"Haveyoueverhadthechicken-pox?""Yes,sir."

"Haveyoueverhadthethresh?"

Well,Ididn'tknowwhatwasmeantbythethresh.IknewthatIhadbeen"thrashed"agreatmanytimes,andinferredfromthatfactthatImusthavehadthediseaseatsometimeorotherinmyyouth,soIanswered,

"Yes,sir."

"Haveyoueverhadtheitch?"

"Whatkind?"saidI."Theoldfashionedsevenyearkind?Y-e-s,sir,I

havehadit."

Hethencontinuedaskingmequestions,andwantedtoknowifIeverhadagreatmanydiseases,thenamesofwhichIhadneverheardbefore.SinceIcatchalmosteverythingthatcomesalong,Isupposed,ofcourse,thatatsomeperiodduringmychildhood,youthorearlymanhoodIhadsufferedfromallthosephysicalills,soIalwaysanswered,

"Yes,sir."HewoundupbyinquiringifIeverhadastrokeofthehorseglanders.Iknewwhatwasmeantbythatdisease,andrepliedinthenegative.

Hethenlookedatmeoverthetopofhisspectacles,and,inaratherdoubtingmanner,said,"andyoureallyhavehadallthesediseases?Bytheway,"hecontinued,"areyoualiveatthepresentmomentafterallthatyouhavesuffered?"Mr.MooneyisanIrishman.Hewashavingalittlecold-bloodedsportatmyexpense.WheneveryoumeetanIrishmanyouwillalwaysstrikeabudgetoffun.

Hisnextquestionwas,"Areyouasoundman?"

Myreplywastoth