Hellodear,thankyoufortryingouttheservicesofDianTingEnglish(DTEA，殿廷英語)Pleasenoticesimpleormajorcorrectionsproperlyastheywillhelpintheimprovementofyourwritingskills.OurgoalistoimproveeveryweaknessimportantforIELTSsoifyouhaveanyquestionsorclarificationsaboutthegivencorrectionsorsuggestions,feelfreetocontacttheteacherdirectlyandwearemorethanwillingtogiveyouanswersorexplanations.Also,furtherreferenceswillbeprovidedwhennecessary.（答疑直接用英文回復(fù)原郵件即可）Descriptorforthescorebeforetheessaywasaddressesthetaskonlypartially;theformatmaybeinappropriateinplacesexpressesapositionbutthe developmentisnotalwaysclearandtheremaybenoconclusionsdrawnpresentsarelevantpositionalthoughstructurespresentsinformationwithsomeorganizationbuttheremaybealackofoverallprogressionmayberepetitivebecauseoflackofreferencingusesanadequaterangeofvocabularyforthetaskmaymakenoticeableerrorsinspellingand/orwordformationthatmaycausesomedifficultyforusesamixofsimpleandcomplexsentenceformsmaymakefrequentgrammaticalerrorsandpunctuationmaybefaulty;errorscancausedifficultyfortheFinalscoreforyourWordcountbeforeNotes:Youmissedtopresentsomenecessaryparagraphstructuresinyourintroduction.Youalsotopresentyourconcludingparagraph,pleaseberemindedthatmissingstructuresnotonlyaffectyourTAbutyourCCaswell.963852741First,letuslookattheInmanycountries,averagelifeexpectancyhasbeenincreasing.Whatproblemswillthiscauseforindividualsandforsocietyasawhole?Suggestsomesolutions.Whatkindofessayshouldyouwrite?Thisisareporttypeofquestionorotherwisecalled“problem+solution”.Simplywriteaparagraphexplainingtheproblem(s)andaparagraphexplainingthesolution(s).Somequestionsaskabout'causes'or'effects':thesewouldbepartofthe'problem' Inmanycountries,averagelifeexpectancyhasbeen WhatproblemswillthiscauseforindividualsandforsocietyasaSuggestsomeNow,let’sreviewyourWiththedevelopmentofscienceandmedicine,averagelifespanhaswitnesseswitnessedahugeincreaseinmanycountries.Alongerlifeexpectancymeansachangeofpopulationstructure,whichbringsaboutassortedproblemssuchasheavypressureonsocialwelfaresystemandlackingvigorandcreativity.Toresolvesuchsetbacks,somepriormeasuresshouldbecarriedout.

Comment[LG1]:VerbshouldbeinitspastTopicispresentedbutyoufailedtoTopicispresentedbutyoufailedtogiveanswertothesecondbasicCoherenceThestructureisincomplete.ThisaffectstheoverallcoherenceofYouusedenoughlexicalrangeinthisparagraph,althoughthereareinaccuratewordsusedandmissingideasthataffectthisGrammarandYouusedarangeofmorecomplexstructures,althougherrorswithverbandmissingparagraphstructuresaffectDear,inyourintroductionstructure,itisnecessarytopresentorprovideanswerstothetasks/orbasicquestionsincoherencetoyourconclusion.Inareportorproblem+solutionquestions,thereshouldbetwoanswersMovingon,let’stakealookatyourbodyAslifespanhasbeenstrengthenedalot,theburdenonsocialwelfaresystemandmedicalcaresystemhasincreasedaswell.Withahugepopulationoftheelderly,publicfundshavetodevotemoremoneyandenergyinlookingafterthem.Besides,seniorcitizensneedmoreAcontentionwasprovidedandwasCoherenceTheorganizationofideasisevident,onlythatsomeofyourcohesiveareusedYouusedarangeofvocabularyinthisparagraph.OnlythatthereareinappropriatewordsusedandmissingwordsthataffectsyourGrammarandArangeofsentencestructureswereused,althoughaccuracywasaffectedyourerrorsingeneralizations,connectiveuseandproperwordUsingconnectingadverbsorwhatwealsocalltransitionalphrasesorwordshelpinmaintaininggreatcoherence,andconnectionofyourideas,donotmissthemoutespeciallywhenlistingcontentionsandprovidingelaborationsorexamples.Also,youshouldbeverycarefulonhowyouwriteyourwords,failuretowriteitcorrectlyaffectyourMoreover,theelderlyarelesscreativeforbothphysicalandpsychological

Comment[LG7]:Usecommaherenotwhilecreativityisanimportantfuelofsocialdevelopmentandasignificantmeasurementofcomprehensivecountrycountry’spower.Surveysconductedshownegative

ThiswillhelpyouavoidasentencefragmentIfyoupunctuateadependentclauseasifitisbetweencreativitycreativenessandtheproportionofsenior

Thus,

sentence,theresultisdependentpercentageofoldpeopledecreasesthevitalityandenergyofthewhole fragmentTocorrectthiserror,weAcontentionwasprovidedandwasCoherenceTheAcontentionwasprovidedandwasCoherenceTheorganizationofideasisevident,onlythatsomeofyourcohesiveareusedYouusedarangeofvocabularyinthisparagraph.OnlythatthereareinappropriatewordsusedandmissingwordsthataffectsyourGrammarRangeandAccuracyArangeofsentencestructureswereused,althoughaccuracywasaffectedyourerrorsinsentencefragment,punctuationuse,connectiveuse,wordchoiceandarticleuse.Sentencestructureerrorsmakewritingdifficulttounderstand.Whenyourreaderscannotfollowwhatyouaresaying,yourpointgetslost.Effectivestructurecreatesclarityandprofessionalisminyourwriting.Identifyingthemostcommonsentencestructureerrors--fragments,run-onsandcommasplices--isthefirststeptowardcorrectingthemandavoidingtheminyourComment[LG8]:ThiswordnolongerneedcapitalizationsinceitisnolongerthestartofyoursentenceComment[LG9]:Toshowthepossessiveformofsingularnouns,weaddapostropheafterthewordandthenadd“s”Toshowpossessionforpluralnouns,wesimplyaddapostropheafter"s"Comment[LG10]:Dear,itisnotadvisabletousewordsandphrasesoverandoveragain,thus,foraslongaswecanavoidbeingrepetitive,andforaslongasyoucanfindappropriatesynonymorpronounreplacementitisbesttodosoComment[LG11]:AddthustoconnectyourpointsornotionsComment[LG12]:AbetterwordtousehereishigherComment[LG13]:YouneedadefinitearticlehereThedefinitearticlereferstoanoun,eitherinthesingularorpluralItcanbeusedwithuncountablenouns"The"referstoaspecificthingorquantityItshouldbeplacedbeforethenoun,orbeforetheadjectivewhichdirectlymodifiesthenounTherefore,Inordertosolvetheseproblems,feasiblesolutionsshould

Comment[LG14]:Tomakeyourforwardundertakentosolvetheseproblems.Firstly,awell-organizedandforward-lookingwelfareandmedicalsystemmustbebuilt.TheGovernmentgovernmentshouldtakemostresponsibilitytofaceinfacingthispopulationstructuralchangebyenactingrelatedlawssuchasdelayingretirementorincreasingtheamountofmedicalinsurance.Secondly,buildmoreschoolsfortheelderlyshouldbeconstructedtoincreasetheirvigorandatthesameencouragewomenmustbeencouragedtohavemorebabies.Foronething,Whileseniorschoolscanstimulateoldpeople’spassion,whichisbeneficialforcreativity,.Forhighbirthingratecanavoidpotentialthreatoflackinglaborinrelativelyhigh-riskandmanualjobmarketsandadjustpopulationstructureaswell.Thetopicwaspresentedandwasdiscussed,relevantsupportivedetailsalsoCoherenceTheorganizationoftheanswerisaffectedbyyourgrammaticalfaultslexicaArangeofvocabularyisusedinthisparagraph,buttherearesomewordsusedandfaultywordordersthataffectyourGrammarRangeandAccuracyAmixofsentencestructureswasusedinthisparagraph.However,wasaffectedbytheerrorsinconnectiveuse,wordorders,articleuseandpunctuationuse.Ideasshouldbeflowing,onceyourwordarrangementiscluttered,yourreaderswillfindithardtounderstandthelogicofyourpaper.Also,becarefulwithyourcohesivedevices,overandwrongusagecanalsoaffectyouraccuracyand

startclear,wedosomere-arrangementofideas,soweomitthisconnectivehereComment[LG15]:WenowusethisfragmentasastartComment[LG16]:WordcollocationisbetterreplacedbythewordundertakenComment[LG17]:Wenolongerneedthisfragmenthere,duetothere-arrangementofideaswedidearlierComment[LG18]:Youneedadefini