英語經(jīng)典幽默故事英語經(jīng)典幽默故事英語經(jīng)典幽默故事資料僅供參考文件編號(hào)：2022年4月英語經(jīng)典幽默故事版本號(hào)：A修改號(hào)：1頁次：1.0審核：批準(zhǔn):發(fā)布日期：MyFirstandMyLastWhenGeorgewasthirty-five,heboughtasmallplaneandlearnedtoflyit.Hesoonbecameverygoodandmadehisplanedoallkindsoftricks.Georgehadafriend.HisnamewasMark.OnedayGeorgeofferedtotakeMarkupinhisplane.Markthought,"I'vetravelledinabigplaneseveraltimes,butI'veneverbeeninasmallone,soI'llgo."Theywentup,andGeorgeflewaroundforhalfanhouranddidallkindsoftricksintheair.Whentheycamedownagain,Markwasverygladtobebacksafely,andhesaidtohisfriendinashakingvoice,"Well,George,thankyouverymuchforthosetwotripsinyourplane."Gerogywasverysurprisedandsaid,"Twotrips""Yes,myfirstandmylast,"answeredMark.第一次與最后一次喬治35歲時(shí)買了架小型飛機(jī)，并開始學(xué)習(xí)駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機(jī)做各種各樣的特技飛行了。喬治有個(gè)朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動(dòng)邀請(qǐng)馬克乘他的飛機(jī)上天兜一圈。馬克心想，“我乘大客機(jī)飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機(jī)，我不妨試一試?！鄙蘸?，喬治飛了有半個(gè)小時(shí)，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。后來他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對(duì)他的朋友說：“喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機(jī)做了兩次飛行。”喬治非常吃驚地問：“兩次飛行”“是的，我的第一次和最后一次?！瘪R克答道。FirstFlightMr.Johnsonhadneverbeenupinanaerophanebeforeandhehadreadalotaboutairaccidents,soonedaywhenafriendofferedtotakehimforarideinhisownsmallphane,Mr.Johnsonwasveryworriedaboutaccepting.Finally,however,hisfriendpersuadedhimthatitwasverysafe,andMr.Johnsonboardedtheplane.Hisfriendstartedtheengineandbegantotaxiontotherunwayoftheairport.Mr.Johnsonhadheardthatthemostdangerouspartofaflightwerethetake-offandthelanding,sohewasextremelyfrightenedandclosedhiseyes.Afteraminuteortwoheopenedthemagain,lookedoutofthewindowoftheplane,andsaidtohisfriend,"Lookatthosepeopledownthere.Theylookassmallasants,don'tthey""Thoseareants,"answeredhisfriend."We'restillontheground."第一次坐飛機(jī)約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機(jī)，他讀過許多關(guān)于飛行事故的報(bào)道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請(qǐng)他乘自己的小飛機(jī)飛行時(shí)，約翰遜先生非常擔(dān)心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機(jī)。他的朋友啟動(dòng)引擎開始在機(jī)場(chǎng)跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險(xiǎn)的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對(duì)朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是”“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上?！盇NailOrAFly?

Anoldgentlemanwhoseeyesightwasfailingcametostayinahotelroomwithabottleofwineineachhand.Onthewalltherewasaflywhichhetookforanail.Sothemomenthehungthemon,thebottlesfellbrokenandthewinespiltalloverthefloor.Whenawaitressdiscoveredwhathadhappened,sheshoweddeepsympathyforhimanddecidedtodohimafavour.Sothenextmorningwhenhewasouttakingawalkintheroofgarden,shehammeredanailexactlywheretheflyhadstayed.Nowtheoldmanenteredhisroom.Thesmellofthespiltwineremindedhimoftheaccident.Whenhelookedupatthewall,hefoundtheflywasthereagain!Hewalkedtoitcarefullyadnslappeditwithallhisstrength.Onhearingaloudcry,thekind-heartedwaitressrushedin.Tohergreatsurprise,thepooroldmanwastheresittingonthefloor,histeethclenchedandhisrighthandbleeding!釘子還是蒼蠅？一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進(jìn)了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個(gè)女服務(wù)員發(fā)現(xiàn)發(fā)生的事情以后，對(duì)他深表同情，決定幫他個(gè)忙。于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時(shí)，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。這里，老人回到了房里。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務(wù)員沖進(jìn)房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關(guān)緊咬，右手滴血不止。I'llSeetotheRestAguardwasabouttosignalhistraintostartwhenhesawanattractivegirlstandingontheplatformbyanopendoor,talkingtoanotherprettygirlinsidethecarriage."Comeon,miss!"heshouted."Shutthedoor,please!""Oh,Ijustwanttokissmysistergoodbye,"shecalledback."Youjustshutthatdoor,please,"calledtheguard,"andI'llseetotherest."其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)一位車上的列車員剛發(fā)出信號(hào)讓火車啟動(dòng)，這時(shí)他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺(tái)上一節(jié)打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。“快點(diǎn)，小姐!”他喊道：“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上。”“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢?！彼卮鸬??！罢?qǐng)把門關(guān)上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)?！盋haudeandColdApatroninMontrealcafeturnedonatapinthewashroomandgotscalded."Thisisanoutrage,"hecomplained."ThefaucetmarkedCgavemeboilingwater.""But,Monsieur,Cstandsforchaude-Frenchforhot.YoushouldknowthatifyouliveinMontreal.""Waitaminute,"roaredthepatron."TheothertapisalsomarkedC.""Ofcourse,"saidthemanager,"Itstandsforcold.Afterall,Montrealisabilingualcity."熱與冷蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結(jié)果被水燙傷了?！斑@太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標(biāo)著C的龍頭流出的是開水。”“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表‘熱’。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點(diǎn)?！薄暗鹊龋蹦俏活櫩团叵宦?，“另外一個(gè)龍頭同樣標(biāo)的是C。”“當(dāng)然，”經(jīng)理說道：“它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個(gè)雙語城市?！盇Soldier'sBrilliantIdeaMr.Robinsonhadtotravelsomewhereonbusiness,andashewasinahurry,hedecidedtogobyair.Helikedsittingbesideawindowwhenhewasflying,sowhenhegotontotheplane,helookedforawindowseat.Hefoundallofthemhadalreadyhadbeentakenexceptforone.Therewasasoldiersittingintheseatbesidethisone,andMr.Robinsonwassurprisedthathehadnottakentheonebythewindow;but,anyhow,heatoncewenttowardsit.Whenhereachedit,however,hesawthattherewasanoticeonit.Itwaswrittenininkandsaid,"Thisseatispreservedforproperloadbalance,thankyou."MrRobinsonhadneverseensuchanunusualnoticeinaplanebefore,buthethoughtthattheplanemustbecarryingsomethingparticularlyheavyinit,sohewalkedonandfoundanotheremptyseat,notbesideawindow,tositin.Twoorthreepeopletriedtositinthewindowseatbesidethesoldier,buttheytooreadthenoticeandwenton,whentheplanewasnearlyfull,averybeautifulgirlhurriedintotheplane.Thesoldier,whowaswatchingthepassengerscomingin,quicklytookthenoticeofftheseatbesidehimselfandinthiswaysucceededinhavingthecompanyofthegirlduringthewholetrip.士兵的高招由于生意方面的事，羅賓遜先生得出趟門。因?yàn)橛悬c(diǎn)緊急，他決定坐飛機(jī)。乘機(jī)旅行時(shí)，他喜歡靠窗坐，故而一登機(jī)，他就尋找一個(gè)靠窗的座位。他發(fā)現(xiàn)只有一個(gè)靠窗的座位還空著。在那空座位邊坐著一名士兵。令羅賓遜先生納悶的是，這位士兵沒有坐靠窗的位置。羅賓遜先生不管那些，他馬上徑直朝那個(gè)空座位走去。然而，等到了那兒，他看見座位上有則啟事，是用鋼筆寫的：“為保持裝載平衡，特預(yù)設(shè)該位置，謝謝合作。”羅賓遜先生還從來沒有在飛機(jī)上見過如此不同尋常的啟事。不過，他想飛機(jī)上一定裝了什么特別重的物品，于是他找了個(gè)不靠窗的位置。又有兩三個(gè)乘客試圖坐在那個(gè)士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他們看到那則啟事就走開了。當(dāng)快滿座時(shí)，一位非常美麗的姑娘匆匆走進(jìn)機(jī)艙。一直在注意進(jìn)艙旅客的那個(gè)士兵趕緊拿掉他旁邊空座位上的啟事。士兵用這種辦法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。NewDiscoveryAhillbillywasvisitingthebigcityforthefirsttime.Enteringanofficebuilding,hesawapudgyolderwomanstepintoasmallroom.Thedoorsclosed,lightsflashed,andafterawhilethedoorslidopenandabeautifulyoungmodelsteppedofftheelevator.Blinkinginamazement,thehillbillydrawled,"Ishouldhavebroughtmywife!"新發(fā)現(xiàn)一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進(jìn)一座大樓，看見一個(gè)歲數(shù)很大的矮胖女人邁進(jìn)一個(gè)小房間。房間的門隨后關(guān)上，有幾個(gè)燈在閃亮。一會(huì)兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。鄉(xiāng)下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應(yīng)該把我的老婆帶來!”ABadImpressionSixpeopleweretravellinginacompartmentonatrain.Fiveofthemwerequietandwellbehaved,butthesixthwasarudeyoungmanwhowascausingalotoftroubletotheotherpassengers.Atlastthisyoungmangotoutatastationwithhistwoheavybags.Noneoftheotherpassengershelpedhim,butoneofthemwaiteduntiltherudeyoungmanwasveryfarawayandthenopenedthewindowandshoutedtohim,"Youleftsomethingbehindinthecompartment!"Thenheclosedthewindowagain.Theyoungmantrunedaroundandhurriedbackwithhistwobags.Hewasverytiredwhenhearrived,butheshoutedthroughthewindow,"WhatdidIleavebehind"

Asthetrainbegantomoveagain,thepassengerwhohadcalledhimbackopenedthewindowandsaid,"Averybadimpression!"一個(gè)壞印象有六個(gè)人搭乘火車旅行，坐在同一車箱內(nèi)。其中五個(gè)很安靜，也很規(guī)矩。但第六個(gè)是個(gè)粗魯?shù)哪贻p人，給其他乘客招惹了許多麻煩。最后，這位年輕人在一個(gè)車站帶著兩個(gè)沉重的皮箱下了車。沒有一個(gè)旅客幫他的忙。有個(gè)人一直等到這位粗魯?shù)哪贻p人走得很遠(yuǎn)了，才打開窗戶，對(duì)著他大聲喊：“你把東西留在車廂里了!”然后，又把窗戶關(guān)了起來。年輕人轉(zhuǎn)過身子，拎著兩個(gè)沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆趕了回來。他轉(zhuǎn)回來時(shí)，顯得非常疲倦，對(duì)著窗戶大聲喊：“我把什么東西留在車上了”當(dāng)火車再次啟動(dòng)時(shí)，叫他回來的旅客打開窗戶說：“一個(gè)極壞的印象!”SleepingPillsBobwashavingtroublegettingtosleepatnight.Hewenttoseehisdoctor,whoprescribedsomeextra-strongsleepingpills.SundaynightBobtookthepills,sleptwellandwasawakebeforeheheardthealarm.Hetookhistimegettingtotheoffice,strolledinandsaidtohisboss:"Ididn'thaveabitoftroublegettingupthismorning.""That'sfine,"roaredtheboss,"butwherewereyouMondayandTuesday"安眠藥鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥。星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達(dá)進(jìn)去，對(duì)老板說：“我今天早上起床一點(diǎn)麻煩都沒有?！薄昂冒?”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了”CreativeApplyingformyfirstjob,IrealizedIhadtobecreativeinlistingmyfewqualifications.Askedaboutadditionalschoolingandtraining,IansweredtruthfullythatIhadspentthreeyearsincomputerprogrammingclasses.Igotthejob.IhadneglectedtomentionthatItookthesamecourseforthreeyearsbeforeIpassed.創(chuàng)造性第一次求職時(shí)，我意識(shí)到在列舉我所具備的為數(shù)不多的條件時(shí)，得有點(diǎn)創(chuàng)造性。當(dāng)問及我是否受過其它的培訓(xùn)時(shí)，我老實(shí)地回答說我花了三年時(shí)間學(xué)計(jì)算機(jī)程序設(shè)計(jì)課。我得到了那份工作。我沒有提到那門功課我重復(fù)學(xué)了三年才考及格。ReminderIntheveterinaryofficewhereI'matechnician,wemailoutreminderswhenpetsaredueforvaccinations.Bruno,aGermanshepherd,arrivedforhisannualrabiesshot,andwewererequiredbystatelawtoaskhisownerifBrunohadbittenanyoneinthelasttendays."Ohyes,infactthat'swhywe'rehere,"shereplied.Surprised,Itoldherweassumedthey'dcomeinbecauseofourreminder."Wedid,"sheexplained."Brunobitthemailcarrierwhowasdeliveringyourcard."催單我是一家獸醫(yī)站的技師。當(dāng)動(dòng)物到了該注射疫苗的時(shí)候，我們就寄出催單。一條德國物質(zhì)牧羊犬布魯諾來做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注射。我們依照州法律的要求詢問他的主人，在過去的十天里布魯諾是否咬了什么人?！班?，是的。事實(shí)上這正是我們到這兒來的原因，”她回答說。我覺得奇怪，告訴她我們以為他們是因?yàn)槭盏搅宋覀兊拇邌尾艁淼??！暗拇_如此，”她解釋道?！安剪斨Z咬了給你們送催單的郵遞員?！盜mitateBirdsAmantriedtogetajobinastageshow."Whatcanyoudo"

askedtheproducer.

"Imitatebirds,"themansaid."Areyoukidding"answeredtheproducer,"Peoplelikethatareadimeadozen.""Well,Iguessthat'sthat."saidtheactor,ashespreadhisarmsandflewoutthewindow.模仿鳥兒一個(gè)人想在一個(gè)舞臺(tái)劇中找份工作?！澳隳芨墒裁茨亍必?fù)責(zé)人問?！澳７馒B兒，”那人說?！澳阍陂_玩笑吧”負(fù)責(zé)人答道，“那樣的人一毛錢可以找一打?！薄班?，那就算了。”那名演員說著，展開翅膀，飛出了窗口。HowDidYouEverGetHereOnewintermorning,anemployeeexplainedwhyhehadshownupforwork45minuteslate."ItwassoslipperyoutthatforeverystepItookahead,Islippedbacktwo."Thebosseyedhimsuspiciously."Oh,yeahThenhowdidyouevergethere"

"Ifinallygaveup,"hesaid,"andstartedforhome."你是怎樣來的？一個(gè)冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什么遲到了四十五分鐘才起來上班?！巴饷嫣耍颐肯蚯斑~一步，就要向后退兩步。”老板狐疑地看著他?！班?，是嗎那你是怎樣到這里來的”

“后來我決定放棄，”他說，“然后我就往家里走?！盩hreeSurgeonsThreefamoussurgeonswerebraggingabouttheirskills."Amancametomewhohadhishandcutoff,"saidone."Todaythatmanisaconcertviolinist.""That'snothing,"saidanother."Aguycametomewhohadhislegscutoff.Istitchedthembackon,andtodaythatmanisamarathonrunner.""Icantopbothofyou,"saidthethird."OnedayIcameonthesceneofaterribleaccident.Therewasnothingleftbutahorse'sposterior-andapairofglasses.TodaythatmanisseatedinUnitedStatesSenate."三個(gè)外科醫(yī)生三個(gè)有名的外科醫(yī)生正在吹噓他們的技術(shù)?！耙粋€(gè)人斷了一只手，他來找我，”一個(gè)說，“如今那個(gè)人是個(gè)音樂會(huì)的小提琴手?！薄斑@算不了什么，”另一個(gè)說。“一個(gè)家伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手?！薄拔冶饶銈儍蓚€(gè)都強(qiáng)，”第三個(gè)說，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個(gè)馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院里?！監(jiān)neSideoftheCaseAjudgeaskedourgroupofpotentialjurorswhetheranyoneshouldbeexcused,andonemanraisedhishand."Ican'thearoutofmyleftear,"themantoldthejudge."Canyouhearoutofyourrightear"thejudgeasked.Themannoddedhishead."You'llbeallowedtoserveonthejury,"thejudgedeclared."Weonlylistentoonesideofthecaseatatime."一面之辭一位法官問我們這群修補(bǔ)陪審員是否有人應(yīng)當(dāng)免權(quán)。一個(gè)人舉起了手?！拔业淖蠖牪灰??！蹦侨烁嬖V法官?！澳愕挠疫叾渎牭靡妴帷狈ü賳柕馈Ｄ侨它c(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭?！澳銓⒈辉试S加入陪審團(tuán)，”法官宣布?！拔覀兠看沃宦犚幻嬷o?！盇SmugglarThesuspicious-lookingmandroveuptotheborder,wherehewasgreetedbyasentry.Whentheguardlookedinthetrunk,hewassurprisedtofindsixsacksbulgingattheseams."What'sinhere"heasked."Dirt,"thedriverreplied."Takethemout,"theguardinstructed."Iwanttocheckthem."Obliging,themanremovedthebags,andsureenough,eachoneofthemcontainednothingbutdirt.Reluctantly,theguardlethimgo.Aweeklaterthemancameback,andonceagain,thesentrylookedinthetruck."What'sinthebagsthistime"heasked."Dirt,moredirt."saidtheman.Notbelievinghim,theguardcheckedthesacksand,onceagain,hefoundnothingbutsoil.Thesamethinghappenedeveryweekforsixmonths,anditfinallybecamesofrustratingtotheguardthathequitandbecameabartender.Thenonenight,thesuspicious-lookingfellowhappenedtostopbyforadrink.Hurryingovertohim,theformerguardsaid,"Listen,pal,drinksareonthehousetonightifyou'lldomeafavor:Justtellmewhatthehellyouweresmugglingallthattime."Grinningbroadly,themanleanedclosetothebartender'searandwhispered,"Cars."走私犯一個(gè)形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時(shí)，驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)了六個(gè)接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋?！袄锩嫜b的是什么”他問道。“土?！彼緳C(jī)回答?！鞍汛幽贸鰜怼?，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查?！蹦侨隧槒牡匕芽诖崃顺鰜?。確實(shí)，口袋里除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情愿地讓他通過了。一周后，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱?！斑@次袋子里裝的是什么”他問道?！巴?，又運(yùn)了一些土?！蹦侨嘶卮?。哨兵不相信，對(duì)那些袋子又進(jìn)行了檢查，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)，除了土以外，仍舊一無所獲。同樣的事情每周重演一次，一共持續(xù)了六個(gè)月。最后，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，干脆辭職去當(dāng)了酒吧侍者。有天夜里，那個(gè)形跡可疑的人碰巧途經(jīng)酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對(duì)他說，“我說，老兄，你要是能幫我一個(gè)忙，今晚的酒就歸我請(qǐng)客。你能不能告訴我，那段時(shí)間你到底在走私什么東西”那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車?！盓arlyShopperItwasChristmasandthejudgewasinabenevolentmoodashequestionedtheprisoner."Whatareyouchargedwith"

heasked.

"Doingmychristmasshoppingearly,"repliedthedefendant."That'snooffense,"repliedthejudge,"Howearlywereyoudoingthisshopping""Beforethestoreopened,"counteredtheprisoner.采購過早那天是圣誕節(jié)，法官在審訊犯人時(shí)也有點(diǎn)惻隱之心?！澳銥槭裁炊黄鹪V”他問。“采購圣誕節(jié)物品過早?！北桓娲稹！斑@不算犯法，”法官回答，“你購物多早”在商店開門之前，“犯人應(yīng)道。WingsThefried-chickenrestaurantwhereIwasworkinghadabigrushjustbeforeclosingoneday,leavinguswithnothingtosellbutwings.AsIwasabouttolockthedoors,aaquietlyintoxicatedcustomercameinandordereddinner.WhenIaskedifwingswouldbeallright,heleanedoverthecounterandreplied,"Lady,Icameinheretoeat,notfly."翅膀一天，我工作的炸雞店在關(guān)門前出現(xiàn)了一陣搶購狂潮，結(jié)果除了雞翅外所有的東西都賣完了。當(dāng)我正準(zhǔn)備鎖門時(shí)，一名喝醉了的旅客進(jìn)來要進(jìn)餐。我問他翅膀行不行，他從柜臺(tái)上靠過身子來，回答道：“女士，我到這兒來是吃東西的，不是要飛！”KeeptheChangeSellingsecondhandbooksatourchurchbazaar,Igotintoanargumentwithaprospectivecustomer.HewasinterestedinbuyingThePocketBookofOgdenNashbutclaimeditwasoverpricedat35cents.Otherpaperbacksweresellingfortenor15centseach.Ipointedoutthatthebookwasingoodcondition.Nashwasafunpoet,anditwasforagoodcause.Hesaiditwasamatterofprinciple.Ultimately,Iagreedtosellhimthebookfor15cents.Triumphant,hepaidwitha$10bill."Keepthechange,"hesaid.零錢不用找了在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時(shí)，我與一名準(zhǔn)備買東西的顧客發(fā)生了一場(chǎng)爭(zhēng)論。他對(duì)購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價(jià)過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個(gè)有趣的詩人，這個(gè)要價(jià)是合理的。他說這是個(gè)原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價(jià)格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳?！傲沐X不用找了?！彼f。ThreeWhistlesIpromisedmygirlfriendagoldnecklaceforherbirthday,butwhenthejewelerquotedapriceforoneweliked,Iletoutalong,lowwhistle."Andhowmucharetheythen"

Iasked,pointingtoanothertray.

"You,sir,"repliedthejeweler,"aboutthreewhistles."三聲口哨我答應(yīng)過我的女朋友過生日進(jìn)送她一條金項(xiàng)鏈?？墒钱?dāng)珠寶商報(bào)出我們看中的那條項(xiàng)鏈的價(jià)格時(shí)，我低低地打了個(gè)長(zhǎng)口哨?！澳沁@條項(xiàng)鏈多少錢呢”我指著另一個(gè)盤子里的項(xiàng)鏈問。“先生，對(duì)你來說，”珠寶商答道，“大約值三聲口哨?！盩ooPoliteAwomanwhofrequentedasmallantiqueshoprarelypurchaseanything,butalwaysfoundfaultwiththemerchandiseandprices.Themanagerandhersalesclerktookthewoman'sgrumpycomplaintsinstride,butonedayshewenttoofar."WhyisitInevermanagetogetwhatIaskforinyourshop"

demandedthewoman.

Asmileonherface,theclerkcalmlyreplied,"Perhapsit'sbecausewe'retoopolite."太有禮貌一名婦女經(jīng)常光顧一家小古董店，但幾乎從不買什么東西，卻總是對(duì)商品和價(jià)格吹毛求疵。對(duì)于那婦女的粗暴抱怨，經(jīng)理和她的銷售員總是應(yīng)付了事，但是有一天她做得太過分了?！盀槭裁茨銈兊昀锟偸遣荒艿玫轿蚁胍臇|西”那名婦女指責(zé)說。職員臉上帶著微笑，沉著地回答道：“也許是因?yàn)槲覀兲卸Y貌了?！盙oodPointsandBadPoints"Thishouse,"saidthereal-estatesalesman,"hasbothitsgoodpointsandbadpoints.ToshowyouI'mhonest,I'mgointtotellyouaboutthedisadvantage-thereisachemicalplantoneblocksouthandaslaughterhouseoneblocknorth.""Whataretheadvantages"inquiredtheprospectivebuyer."Thegoodthingaboutit,"saidtheagent,"isthatyoucanalwaystellwhichwaythewindisblowing."優(yōu)缺點(diǎn)“這幢房子，”房地產(chǎn)推銷商說，“既有優(yōu)點(diǎn)也有缺點(diǎn)。為了說明我是誠實(shí)的，我將告訴你們它的缺點(diǎn)-往南面一個(gè)街區(qū)是一家化工廠，往北面一個(gè)街區(qū)是一家屠宰場(chǎng)。”“那么它的長(zhǎng)處呢”預(yù)備購買房子的人問道?！八暮锰帲贝砩陶f道，“就是，你總能分清風(fēng)是從哪邊吹過來的?！盋ameraOnourwaytoaweddinginVermont,myhusbandandIrealizedwehadforgottenourcamera.Westoppedatageneralstoreand,hopingtopurchaseacheap,disposablemodel.Salaskedtheowner,"Doyouhaveanyofthosethrowawaycameras"

"Look,fella,"repliedtheowner,"Idon'tcarewhatyoudowithitafteryoubuyit."照相機(jī)在前往威蒙特參加一個(gè)婚禮的路上，我和丈夫意識(shí)到我們忘了帶照相機(jī)。我們?cè)谝患野儇浬痰觊T前停了下來，希望能夠買到一種便宜的，一次性照相機(jī)。薩爾問店主：“你們有那種用了就扔的照相機(jī)嗎”“我說，小伙子，”店主回答說，“我可不管你買了之后怎么處理它?！盡idwayTacticsThreecompetingstoreownersrentedadjoiningshopsinamall.Observerswaitedformayhemtoensue.Theretailerontherightputuphugesignssaying,"GiganticSale!"and"SuperBargains!"Thestoreontheleftraisedbiggersignsproclaiming,"PricesSlashed!"and"FantasticDiscounts!"Theownerinthemiddlethenpreparedalargesignthatsimplystated,"ENTRANCE".中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)三個(gè)互相爭(zhēng)生意的商店老板在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價(jià)!”“特便宜!”左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價(jià)!”“大折扣!”中間的商人隨后準(zhǔn)備了一個(gè)大招牌，上面只簡(jiǎn)單地寫著：“入口處”。LargeUniformsDuringourfirstthreedaysatLacklandAirForceBaseinSanAntonio,wewereherdedfromplacetoplaceforhaircuts,shotsanduniforms.Backinourbarracks,thedrillinstructortoldustoputonouruniformsandfalloutinfrontofthebuilding.Someoftheuniforms,however,wereextremelylarge.Aswefiledoutside,thesergeantstoodbythedoorwithhisassistant."Wehavetotakesomeofthesepeoplebackforrefitting,"hesaid."Thatlastmantooktwostepsbeforehisuniformmoved."大制服在圣安東尼奧的萊克蘭空軍基地的頭三天，我們被從一個(gè)地方趕到另一個(gè)地方去理發(fā)、照相、領(lǐng)制服?；氐綘I房之后，訓(xùn)練指導(dǎo)員讓我們穿上制服，在營房前原地解散。但是，我些制服特別大。我們列隊(duì)的時(shí)候，中士和他的副手就站在門邊?！拔覀兊脤⒁恍┤伺厝ブ匦铝恳幌?，”他說，“最后那個(gè)人走了兩步，他的制服才動(dòng)?！盦uickReactionMybatterycommanderandIwereinterviewingcandidatesforapositionasreconnaissancesergeantinourartilleryunit.Theselectedsoldierneededtohavekeeneyesight,plustheabilitytoreactquickly.Duringoneinterview,thecommanderpointedtoahillaboutamileawayandaskedayoungsergeant,"Canyouseethathilloverthere"

"Yes,sir."hereplied."Canyouseetheradioantennaonthathill"Again,thesoldiersaidthathecould."Well,then,"thecommanderwenton,"Canyouseethatbirdsittingontheantenna"

Thesergeantleanedforwardandsquinted."No,sir,"hesaid,"butIcanhearitissinging."Hegotthejob.快速反應(yīng)我和連長(zhǎng)在面試我們炮兵部隊(duì)偵察中士一職的候選人。被選的士兵要求有敏銳的觀察力及快速的反應(yīng)力。在一次面試時(shí)，連長(zhǎng)指著一英里外的一座小山問一名年輕的中士：“你能看見那座山嗎”“是的，長(zhǎng)官?！彼卮鸬??！澳隳芸匆娔亲缴系臒o線電天線嗎”那士兵又說他能?！澳敲矗边B長(zhǎng)接著說：“你能看見停在天線上的那只鳥嗎”

那名中士身體前傾，眼睛瞇成一條縫。“看不見，長(zhǎng)官，”他說，“但我聽見它在唱歌?！彼玫搅四欠莨ぷ?。VisualTrainingThesquadwerehaving"visualtraining".Onesmartrecruitwasaskedbytheofficertocounthowmanymencomposedadiggingpartyinadistantfield.Thepartywassofarawaythatthemenappearedasmeredots,butunhesitatinglytherecruitreplied:"Sexteenmenandasergeant,sir.""Right;buthowdoyouknowthere'sasergeantthere""He'snotdoinganydigging,sir."視力訓(xùn)練班里正在進(jìn)行“視力訓(xùn)練”。一個(gè)聰明伶俐的新兵被班長(zhǎng)叫出來數(shù)遠(yuǎn)處曠野上采掘隊(duì)的人數(shù)。采掘隊(duì)在很遠(yuǎn)的地方，那些人看起來只是一些小點(diǎn)兒。但是這個(gè)新兵毫不猶豫的回答：“十六個(gè)士兵和一個(gè)中士，長(zhǎng)官?！薄罢_?？赡闳绾沃滥莾河幸粋€(gè)中士”“他不干活，長(zhǎng)官?！盨peedLimitTheBritishRAFbasewhereIwasstationedaspartofacontingentofUSAFpersonnelhadonenarrowroadwindingthroughthecrowdedresidentialarea.Afterarashofminorvehiclepedestrianaccidents,theUSAFcommanderdecidedtoreducethespeedlimittothreem.p.h.Shortlyafterthenewlimitwasposted,anMPsergeantissuedaspeedingcitationtoajeepdriverforgoingfivem.p.h.IwascurioustoknowhowtheMPhaddeterminedthejeep'sspeedsoexactly."IwasjoggingtogettothePXbeforeitclosed,"heexplained,"andasIpassedthejeep,Inoticedthatthespeedometerreadfivem.p.h."速度限制我作為美國空軍人員分遣部隊(duì)的一員駐扎在英國皇家空軍某某地，那里有一條狹窄的馬路蜿蜒穿過擁擠的居民區(qū)。因?yàn)槎啻纬霈F(xiàn)汽車撞傷行人一類不甚嚴(yán)重的車禍，美國空軍司令員決定將車速限制在每小時(shí)三英里。新的車速限制公布后不久，一名騎警中士因一名吉普車司機(jī)開車時(shí)速達(dá)五英里而給他開了一張超速傳票。我很想知道騎警是怎樣如此精確地知道那輛吉普車的速度的?！拔义捱_(dá)著要在郵局關(guān)門之前到達(dá)那里，”他解釋道：“當(dāng)我超過吉普車時(shí)，我注意到計(jì)速器指向了每小時(shí)五英里?！盬estPointMyfather,brotherandIvisitedWestPointtoseeafootballgamebetweenArmyandBostonCollege.Takingastrollbeforekickoff,wemetmanycadetsinneatlypresseduniforms.Severalvistingfansaskedtherecruitsiftheywouldposeforphotographs,"toshowoursonwhattoexpectifheshouldattendOnemiddle-agedcoupleapproachedaveryattractivefemalecadetandaskedhertoposeforapicture.Theyexplained,"WewanttoshowoursonwhathemissedbynotcomingtoWestPoint."西點(diǎn)軍校父親、哥哥和我到西點(diǎn)軍校去觀看一場(chǎng)陸軍與波士頓大學(xué)之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉(zhuǎn)了轉(zhuǎn)，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學(xué)員。幾名游客問新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝?！昂谜J(rèn)我們的兒子知道，如果他到西點(diǎn)軍校來學(xué)習(xí)會(huì)得到什么?！币粚?duì)中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學(xué)員，問她是否愿意擺個(gè)姿勢(shì)照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點(diǎn)軍校錯(cuò)過了什么?！盜Didn'tKnowThatIWasSoFarBackAlready!AbigbattlewasgoingonduringtheFirstWorldWar.Gunswerefiring,andshellsandbulletswereflyingabouteverywhere.Afteranhourofthis,oneofthesoldierdecidedthatthefightingwasgettingtoodangerousforhim,soheleftthefrontlineandbegantogoawayfromthebattle.Afterhehadwalkedforanhour,hesawanofficercomingtowardshim.Theofficerstoppedhimandsaid,"Whereareyougoing"

"I'mtryingtogetasfarawayaspossiblefromthebattlethat'sgoingonbehindus,sir."thesoldieranswered."DoyouknowwhoIam"

theofficersaidtohimangerly."I'myourcommandingofficer."

Thesoldierwasverysurprisedwhenheheardthisandsaid,"MyGod,Ididn'tknowthatIwassofarbackalready!"真沒想到我已經(jīng)往回跑了這么遠(yuǎn)!第一次世界大戰(zhàn)期間，一場(chǎng)大戰(zhàn)役正在進(jìn)行。槍炮轟鳴，子彈橫飛。這樣持續(xù)了一小時(shí)后，有個(gè)士兵認(rèn)為戰(zhàn)斗太危險(xiǎn)了，所以他離開前線，開始逃離戰(zhàn)場(chǎng)。走了一個(gè)小時(shí)后，他看見一個(gè)軍官朝他走過來。軍官攔住他，問道：“你到哪兒去”“長(zhǎng)官，我正盡力躲開身后正在進(jìn)行的戰(zhàn)斗?！笔勘卮鹫f?！澳阒牢沂钦l嗎”軍官生氣地說：“我是你們的指揮官?！笔勘犃耸煮@訝地說：“天哪，真沒想到我已經(jīng)往回跑了這么遠(yuǎn)!”NoneOtherThanaSoldierAsanewlycommissinaedinfantrylieutenant,IwaseagertosetanexampleformyplatoonbycleaningmyownM-16rifle.Whilewewereworkingontheweapons,onesoldiercomplainedabouttheunusualnotchedshapeoftheM-16'sboltandchamber,whichmakesitdifficulttoclean."Lieutenant,theyneedtomakesomethingtocleanthiswith,"thesoldiersaid."Theydo,"pipedupasergeant."Really,"Isaidwithsurprise,wonderingwhywehadnotorderedsuchatool."Yes,sir,"repliedthesergeant."It'scalledasoldier."正是士兵作為一名新上任的步兵中尉，我通過擦拭自己的M-16式自動(dòng)步槍給全排作個(gè)榜樣。我們一塊擦槍，一名戰(zhàn)士抱怨由于M-16的槍栓槍膛的特別凹形結(jié)構(gòu)，擦起來十分困難?！爸形?，應(yīng)該制造一種擦這槍的工具?！笔勘f?！耙呀?jīng)制造出來了。”一軍士尖叫。“真的”我十分詫異，納悶為什么我們沒有定購這種工具?！罢娴?，長(zhǎng)官，”軍士答道，“它就是士兵?！盉estRewardAnavalofficerfelloverboard.Hewasrescuedbyadeckhand.Theofficeraskedhowhecouldrewardhim."Thebestway,sir,"saidthedeckhand,"istosaynothingaboutit.IftheotherfellowsknewI'dpulledyouout,they'dchuckmein."最好的獎(jiǎng)賞一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何都能酬謝他?！白詈玫霓k法，長(zhǎng)官，”這名水手說，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會(huì)把我扔下去的?！盨kunk"Wehaveaskunkinthebasement,"shriekedthecallertothepolicedispatcher."Howcanwegetitout""Takesomebreadcrumbs,"saidthedispatcher,"andputdownatrailfromthebasementouttothebackyard.Thenleavethecellardooropen."Sometimelatertheresidentcalledback."Didyougetridofit"askedthedispatcher."No,"repliedthecaller."NowIhavetwoskunksinthere!"臭鼬“我們的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打電話的人對(duì)警察調(diào)度員尖叫道?！拔覀?cè)鯓硬拍馨阉鰜怼薄芭恍┟姘?，”調(diào)度員說，“從地下室往外鋪一條小道直到后院。然后將地下室的門打開?！币欢螘r(shí)間后，那位居民又將電話打了回來。“你們將它弄出來了嗎”調(diào)度員問。“沒有，”打電話的人答道，“現(xiàn)在那兒有兩只臭鼬了?！盇MistakeAnAmercian,aScotandaCanadianwerekilledinacaraccident.Theyarrivedatthegatesofheaven,whereaflusteredSt.Peterexplainedthattherehadbeenamistake."Giveme$500each,"hesaid,"andI'llreturnyoutoearthasifthewholethingneverhappened.""Done!"saidtheAmerican.Instantly,hefoundhimselfstandingunhurtnearthescene."Wherearetheothers"askedamedic."LastIknew,"saidtheAmerican,"theScotwashugglingprice,andtheCanadianwasarguingthathisgovernmentshouldpay."搞錯(cuò)了一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場(chǎng)車禍中喪生。他們到達(dá)天堂的門口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解釋說是搞錯(cuò)了。“每人給我五百美元，”他說，“我將把你們送回人間，就象什么都沒有發(fā)生過一樣?！薄俺山?”美國人說。立刻，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己毫不損傷地站在現(xiàn)場(chǎng)附近?！捌渌嗽谀膬骸币幻t(yī)生問道?！拔译x開之前，”那名美國人說，“我看見英格蘭人正在砍價(jià)，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應(yīng)該由他的政府來出這筆錢?！盙oodNewsAndBadNews"There'sgoodnewsandbadnews,"thedivorcelawyertoldhisclient."Icouldsureusesomegoodnews,"sighedtheclient."What'sit""Yourwifeisn'tdemandingthatyourfutureinheritancesbeincludedinthesettlement.""Andthebadnews""Afterthedivorce,she'smarryingyourfather."好消息和壞消息“有好消息，也有壞消息，”離婚律師告訴他的當(dāng)事人?！拔铱偰芾靡恍┖孟桑碑?dāng)事人吧了口氣說，“是什么好消息”“你妻子沒有要求將你未來的繼承財(cái)產(chǎn)也劃入裁決的范圍?！薄澳敲磯南⒛亍薄半x婚以后，她將與你父親結(jié)婚?！盤erfectMatchAwealthymatronissoproudofavaluableantiquevasethatshedecidestohaveherbedroompaintedthesamecolorasthevase.Severalpainterstrytomatchtheshade,butnonecomescloseenoughtosatisfytheeccentricwoman.Eventually,apainterapproacheswhoisconfidenthecanmixthepropercolor.Thewomanispleasedwiththeresult,andthepainterbecomesfamous.Yearslater,heretiresandtrunsthebusinessovertohisson."Dad,"saystheson,"there'ssomethingI'vegottoknow.Howdidyougetthosewallstomatchthevasesoperfectly""Son,"thefatherreplies,"Ipaintedthevase."絕配一位富婆為擁有一只珍貴的古玩而深感驕傲，以至于她竟要把臥室漆成與花瓶同樣的顏色。幾名油漆匠試圖調(diào)出這個(gè)底色，但是誰也沒有能令那位怪癖的婦女滿意。最后來了位油漆匠。他非常自信能調(diào)出那種顏色。那婦女對(duì)他的成果非常滿意，油漆匠于是一舉成名。多年以后，他退休了，生意也交給兒子?！鞍?，”兒子說，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎樣使墻的顏色與花瓶配得那么絕的”“兒子，”父親回答說，“我漆了花瓶?！盤atienceAngler:You'vebeenwatchingmeforthreehoursnow.Whydon'tyoutryyourself

Onlooker:Ihaven'tgotthepatience.耐性垂釣者：你已經(jīng)盯著看了三個(gè)小時(shí)了，你干嘛不自己親自釣?zāi)嘏杂^者：我沒那耐性。TheWorld'sGreatestSwordsmanAtanexhibitionoftheworld'sbestswordsman,thethird-placefencertookthestage.Aflywasreleased,andwithanarcofhisswordhecuttheflyinhalf.Thecrowdcheered.Thenthesecond-placemanslicedaflyintoquarters.Ahushfellinanticipationoftheworld'sgreatestswordsman.Hisbladecamedowninamightyarc-buttheinsectcontinuedonitsway!Thecrowdwasaghast.Thegreatestswordsmanhadmissedhistargetcompletely,yethecontinuedtosmile."Whyareyousohappy"someoneyelled."Youmissed!""Ah,"repliedtheswordsman,"youweren'twatchingverycarefully.Theyflylives,yes-buthewillneverbeafather."世界上最偉大的擊劍手在一場(chǎng)世界最佳擊劍手表演中，排名第三的擊劍手上場(chǎng)了。一只蒼蠅放了出來，劍劃了一個(gè)弧，他將蒼蠅劈成了兩半。觀眾歡呼起來。緊接著排名第二的人將一只蒼蠅切成了四半?，F(xiàn)場(chǎng)一陣沉默，人們期盼著世界上最偉大的擊劍手出場(chǎng)。他的劍鋒以一個(gè)巨大的弧線劃了下來－－然而那只昆蟲還在繼續(xù)飛行!觀眾被驚呆了。最偉大的擊劍手完全錯(cuò)過了他的目標(biāo)，然而他還在微笑著?！澳銥槭裁催@么高興”有人嚷道，“你沒擊中!”“啊，”劍手答道，“你剛才沒有很仔細(xì)地看。蒼蠅還活著，是的－－但他永遠(yuǎn)也做不成爸爸了?！監(jiān)nlyOnceAnoviceliontamerwasbeinginterviewed."Iunderstandyourfatherwasalsoaliontamer,"thereporterqueried."Yes,hewas,"themanreplied."Doyouactuallyputyourheadinthelion'smouth"

"Ididitonlyonce,"saidthenewtamer,"tolookforDad."只有一次一位馴獅新手正在接受采訪?！拔抑滥愕母赣H也是個(gè)馴獅手，”記者說。“他過去是。”那人回答說?！澳阏娴陌杨^伸進(jìn)過獅子的嘴里嗎”“只有一次，”那位馴獅新手說，“為了找我爸爸?！盨tarstruckIhavebeenstarstrucksinceIwasalittlegirl,soIwasdeli